Boring scrawls in bathroom stalls devoid of wit

The Misanthrope
By ETHAN CHATAGNIER

It’s good to have something to read in the bathroom. Otherwise, you just sit there and, maybe, think about stuff.

In one of these sitting-and-thinking stages, an australopithecus first turned to the right, pulled out a Sharpie and made a lewd comment on the wall. Thus ended the course of human evolution.

From there, the species slid down the slippery slope of dirty limericks, phone numbers and measurements. In a stall last week, I sat facing a sketch of a nude woman that, from what I could tell, was drawn by someone who’d never seen a nude woman.

I looked to the right to see one comment I actually appreciated. A faded message asked, “Is there any chance we can get some new, more interesting vandalism?” Indeed. Bathroom graffiti is almost always asinine. I’m not amused by the man from Nantucket. I don’t care about your eight-inch whatever.

As one learns when he or she reads a lot — especially when that person reads my column — not everyone is clever. As a matter of fact, most people aren’t clever. As a matter of fact, most people are stupid.

Down on the bottom rung of the smarts ladder are those bathroom artists and wise men. But why is it that only the most mentally deficient take time to write on bathroom walls? I mean, smart people go to the bathroom too.

The difference is, they leave us high and dry. There’s stall wall after stall wall crying out for a taste of real wit.

Now, I’m not saying we need to plaster Nietzsche quotes up everywhere or turn the bathrooms into the Sistine Chapel, but I’d like to see some comments that don’t make me wonder, “Does this person have the mental faculty to put a peanut butter and jelly sandwich together?”

I think of what the bathroom writings of Dave Barry, Douglas Adams or Ogden Nash must be like, and I look sadly at the unsigned sentences we end up with. I’m gasping for proper verb agreement.

Is it so much to ask, for students to write something worth reading? Just one sentence that I can make it through without getting bored?

If you think you’re up to the challenge, don’t restrain yourself. So much bathroom art is uninspired that, if you feel inspired, don’t miss an opportunity. Out bathrooms are a common domain. It’s time to get them back in hands that have something to say.