2015 was one of the best years of my life.

I graduated from high school and prepared for college. I had it all planned: I’d move back to my home state, California, attend community college there, and then go to the animation school, CalArts.

I was living in Texas at the time. My family and I had moved from California to a suburb, Frisco, 30 minutes from Dallas. We moved there because it was cheaper and we wanted a better life.

In the eight years I lived there, I lived a good life.

However, I wanted to return to Fontana, a town I never wanted to see again. Within months of returning to California, I regretted my decision. I didn’t expect the loneliness and anxiety it would bring.

Returning to California would have been worse if I had no family. Thankfully, my family lived here, from my grandparents to my aunts and uncles.

When we returned to California, my grandparents were the happiest to see us. We moved straight into my grandparents’ house rather than searching for our own home.

That was the dumbest decision we made.

We should’ve thought it through.

Either way, I didn’t let it stop me from my plan. I was excited to go to community college. This was my chance to start again and be someone else.

I was timid in the first days, but it went away. Soon, my timidness was replaced by stress and anxiety. At the time, I didn’t understand I had these conditions. I asked my parents about this constant spike in adrenaline I felt, and they told me it was stress and anxiety.

A University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) 2016 Freshman Survey reported that a record-high 12% of students “frequently” felt depressed during the past year, and 35% felt anxious.

For most UCLA students, being in a new place was nerve-wracking. For me, it was my living conditions.

My family and I lived in a tight one-story house. It was arduous having five people share one room.

Moreover, there was also no privacy at my grandparents’ house. It was a revolving door of family, so we couldn’t enjoy watching TV, let alone any activity.

My grandfather added to these problems. He is a negative and needy person. I didn’t know it at that time, but he must be on the autism spectrum. This is a condition I realized I had in 2016.

The problems at my grandparents’ house ruined my plans. It wasn’t easy doing my classwork, and I did poorly in my classes. Community college was more demanding than high school, and my problems weren’t helping.

When it came to socializing, the issues of my personal life didn’t affect me. Many people spoke to me. I could have had friends, but I didn’t because I was moving from Southern California. My parents said we would move out of my grandparents’ house.

Two years later

To this day, I regret my college years in Southern California. I think about the possible friends and girlfriends that I could have had.

But you live and you learn.

I had hoped to find friends when we moved to Central California.

But this was easier said than done.

Instead of being anxious about school, I was uneasy about where I lived.

The problems plaguing California, like homelessness and crime, were highly prevalent in Tulare, and I didn’t feel safe. I kept begging my parents to leave. They agreed, but they didn’t know where to go.

The only thing that seemed real was my anxiety and constant depression.

The dread I felt toward my environment made me feel suicidal. I thought that what I was going through wasn’t real. If I took my life, things would make sense.

I came close to ending my life, but in the back of my mind, I had hope that life would improve.

I told my parents about my issues, and they immediately looked for ways to help me. I went to the doctor, and they prescribed antidepressants. Then I went to therapy, and I learned that I shouldn’t worry about what I can’t control. Instead, I should only focus on what I can control.

With this new state of mind, college was the same, but I didn’t care, as I found my people when I joined a church.

I’ve been on and off Christianity, but I returned out of desperation. In 2018, I attended a church service and learned they held a gathering for young adults. I was hesitant to go, but I decided to try it.

The first couple of days at the young adults’ gathering were difficult. I had good conversations with a few people, and not long after, I made friends.

I found my people: Hector, Cesar and Chris. The three of them would become my good friends. Besides them, I befriended other people from church, but only Hector and Cesar stuck around years later.

With the church and my friends, we attended events and went camping. That was fun, but nothing compared to the metal shows Hector, Cesar and I went to.

They showed me that the Central Valley has a decent heavy metal scene. I didn’t expect some of my favorite bands, such as Cattle Decapitation and Fit For An Autopsy, to come to Fresno.

I couldn’t believe it, I was no longer lonely.

But the world had other plans.

As my life looked up, COVID-19 put it on hold and worsened my mental health. The pandemic brought back my loneliness.

I finished college, had a job, and a new life purpose.

I put aside my feelings toward community college and graduated. I had a new mindset that I learned from self-help, a method of bettering myself without help from others. As a result, I pushed through community college and earned As and Bs.

Even though the virus was ongoing, I had my first real job.

The job wasn’t the best, but it paid well. I sanitized the surfaces at the Saputo Cheese Factory. I worked the graveyard shift, which was taxing. Thankfully, it didn’t last long, and the company moved me to mornings.

The job lasted for a year, and I’m glad it ended. I learned that these jobs weren’t meant for me. Although I made a lot of money, it was soul-crushing.

Around the same time, my mental health was in disrepair. My new practice of self-help and meditation kept me stable, but I was missing something.

I needed a social connection.

I kept telling myself this as I pushed people away. The pandemic revealed an ugly part of me. I reached a point where I didn’t want people to look at me, and I didn’t want to talk to them.

It didn’t matter if I was lonely. This was the path I chose.

Regardless, self-help gave a different outlook on life. I cut my Christian beliefs. The growing tensions of hate and violence in American Christianity made me an atheist.

Eventually, self-help allowed me to stop using it. Personal development was harming me more than helping me. It made me a lonely person who woke up at 5 a.m. and took cold showers.

As COVID-19 ended, it was hard to return to the life I had. I was a different person, for better or for worse. I had to start again. The first step was to return to college.

I was accepted into Fresno State in 2023, and it brought me joy to receive my admission. I had applied a few years prior and wasn’t accepted, so I was glad it worked out this time.

It felt good to return to college, but I felt battered and worn. I was 27 years old, returning to obtain a bachelor’s degree. I wouldn’t feel guilty if I dropped out. At least I was accepted.

I’m glad I followed through.

I reconnected with my friend, Hector, who also returned to college. He told me he wanted to text me, but didn’t have the chance. I didn’t care. He was willing to keep the friendship after a few years without communication, so I decided to try too.

We became good college buddies. We shared our struggles as men in our late 20s pursuing a degree, and we loved everything relating to metal.

I also reconnected with Cesar, who was also studying at Fresno State.

I’m glad I reconnected with my friends; they make life easier.

Still, my anxiety and loneliness affect me, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been through worse.

I’m still here, no matter the challenges.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach a lifeline for help. More resources are available here.