Let the Eagles soar
Andrew Riggs / The Collegian
Mike Eagles’ classified advertisements can often be found in The Collegian. |
By Jaclyne Badal
The Collegian
MICHAEL EAGLES WANTS to be the next governor of California, and he plans to start his political campaign right here at Fresno State. Often, Eagles can be seen cycling through campus on his silver mountain bike, wearing gold jewelry and a fraying straw hat.
He said he visits Fresno State to better understand California’s younger voters.
“I could win the entire election by the college students voting for me,” Eagles said.
The political hopeful has not had much luck with elections to date. He ran for mayor against Alan Autry in 2000 and lost, winning just 0.25 percent of the city’s vote.
He hopes he’ll have better luck with the governorship, but he faces significant obstacles. First, as a Republican, he would have to run against incumbent Arnold Schwarzenegger in the June primary.
Second, the California Secretary of State, which manages elections, has no record of Eagles as a gubernatorial hopeful. The state released a certified list of candidates Tuesday. Sixteen people, including four Republicans, were listed as candidates for governor. Eagles was not one of them. Still, he insists that he is the best man to run the state.
“The American California voter needs my help,” he says.
Eagles is quick to list his qualifications to hold a state office.
He says he is an American-Serbian prince, a nephew of architect Frank Lloyd Wright and a man of superior intellect.
Eagles said he has an IQ of 300 on his best days – 250 on his worst. A widely cited University of London study found that the average score on an IQ test is about 100.
It’s said that Bill Gates, noted for his exceptionally high IQ, scores only about 160.
Eagles said Gates is one of his heroes.
“He’s worth 50 billion,” Eagles said with a small wave of his hand, showing off two gold rings on his
fingers. “What are you college students going to make when you graduate? Nickels and dimes.”
The dollar signs on his gold ring and gold bracelet seem to underscore his words when he talks about the value of money. He said he can live a perfect life because his wealthy parents left him a trust fund.
“I don’t keep track of time like the rest of you because I can afford not to,” Eagles said, as he adjusted the gold watch that he wears on his right wrist, surrounded by gold bracelets. The watch does not work.
Although time does not seem to matter to Eagles, people in the local media say they wish he had less of it.
Soreath Hok, a KMPH news writer, says she and the writers at other television stations often receive press releases from Eagles.
“I think any reputable agency that owns a fax machine has felt the pain of Michael Eagles,” Hok said. “He’s like a pesky telemarketer that won’t stop calling even after you take your number off the list. I guess he just sits there at a fax machine, scribbling mad random thoughts on paper.”
Eagles dismissed the people like Hok, who say his actions are not serving the community.
“We’re having a conflict of personalities because they actually think they’re as good as me,” Eagles said.
Eagles does not think he is perfect, however. He said he needs to lose weight, which is why he uses his mountain bike for transportation.
He said losing weight will be the key to getting a girlfriend who looks like the actress that starred in Kill Bill. Eagles does not have a wife or a girlfriend now – he says he wants more than what Fresno women can offer – but added that he would probably find someone while campaigning.
“I have to go to LA, UCLA, Stanford, USC, to possibly find a so called girlfriend or somebody to strut.”
In the meantime, Eagles said he will stay busy running his bank, studying the people of Fresno and trying to stay sober.
“In A.A. they teach you to take an inventory of your life and look at where you’re at each day, and don’t drink,” Eagles said. “So far, I give myself an A plus.”
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