Dick Cheney's got a gun and he knows how to use it

The Vice President channels his inner Aaron Burr

By Megan Bakker
The Collegian

BY NOW IT’S been reported all over different news channels that Vice President Dick Cheney shot 78-year-old Harry Whittington while quail hunting Saturday. Unless you watch Fox News, in which case the story probably ran as “Man Inexplicably Jumped in Front of Cheney’s Gun.”

Whittington was wounded in the face, neck, chest and ribcage from 30 yards away by the spray of Cheney’s 28-gauge shotgun. Despite a minor heart attack Tuesday morning caused by pellets lodged in his heart, Whittington’s condition is listed as stable. However, there is one issue no one has taken into account: What happened to the quail Cheney was aiming for? Somewhere out there is a potentially injured quail that’s slowly dying due to cuts in Medicare.

Whittington, however, has the dubious honor of being the first person shot by a vice president in more than 200 years. The last one shot was Alexander Hamilton, who didn’t fare nearly as well. According to The New York Times, the accident happened when Cheney shot at a covey of quail, not realizing that Whittington was right next to the quail. This is an easy mistake to make, as humans average about 5’8” and quail are birds.

Considering that this event is how over half of all redneck jokes start, it’s amazing that alcohol didn’t feature more prominently.

“No, you don’t hunt with people who drink,” said Cheney in an interview Wednesday. He later admitted “I had a beer at lunch.” Perhaps the new rule needs to be you don’t hunt with a vice president who drinks.

Another problem with this entire incident is the White House delayed releasing the story for 18 hours.

Even President Bush wasn’t immediately informed that Cheney had been the gunman, and it was almost over a day before the public knew. This just begs the question: If the man had died, would we have ever heard about it?

Cheney, however, cites accuracy in defense of the delay.

“One of the things I’d learned over the years was the first reports are often wrong and you need to really wait to nail it down,” Cheney said. This is an understandable stance, especially given Cheney’s hesitation to rush into anything, including war with a country that has dubious links to terrorist organizations.

Instead, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a formal report that the incident was a result of “hunter’s judgment factor” although it doesn’t say which hunter was in error. Katherine Armstrong, host of the hunting party and previous head of the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, said the accident was Whittington’s fault, since he didn’t give proper warning before Cheney fired. Whittington is a lawyer, he has the natural ability to sue Cheney for the incident. If he does, he can use the grounds that Cheney shot him and not the other way around.

Armstrong was also the initial announcer of the story, but only informed a small Texas paper about the incident. She later said she knew the wire services would immediately pick up the story, but she really, really hoped that they wouldn’t. Cheney said Armstrong was best qualified to announce the story because she “probably knew better than I did what happened since I’d only seen one piece of it.” Yes, the pieces that he shot.

So far the only punishment that Cheney has received is a $7 fine for missing an extra game stamp on his license for upland hunting. There’s no word what license Cheney would have needed to hunt humans.

Perhaps a license to kill.

Cheney has, of course, paid the fine, and is awaiting his medal of good marksmanship from the Bush administration, which is notoriously leery of legal investigation.

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