Keeping your New Year's resolutions

They all looked so precious together when the clock struck 2006, like little dolls in an antique store waiting to be purchased.  I, on the other hand, stuck out like a pimple-faced kid with no game at a high school dance to ring in the New Year — and all I wanted to do was to go home and sleep, sleep, sleep.

The New Year was upon us and there I was, watching about eight couples get fresh.

Yuck.

But I didn’t go home without any action. I got a masculine hug from a friend who also attended the New Year’s party alone.

Then we vowed, in front of all the precious couples, that we’d become certified pimps by the end of the year. Not the kind of pimps who prostitute women for money, of course.

More like the kind that young boys and girls these days know of. Like 50 Cent. You know, the kind that’d have to make cuts when 2007 comes around, deciding which girl to kiss.

That kind.

Then I reconsidered.

I don’t have a cool walking stick. My hair is too short for a perm. I can’t afford a fur coat. And my lowered Honda Civic isn’t exactly pimp-status.

Plus, the idea of having more than one girl on your arm is simply wrong.

So I came up with a new resolution. I secretly decided — meaning I didn’t tell my buddy I had a change of heart — to add 10 pounds to my toothpick physique and to become buff, making my stomach area look like speed bumps.

About three weeks into 2006 and I already have the desire to quit.

Gaining weight for me is like listening to an edited Eminem album. It’s pointless.

Every day I push myself to eat more and more, but I almost always forget that I have a Speedy Gonzales metabolism. But I’m not giving up.

Neither should you.

This is the time of the year when New Year’s resolutions start to crash like a three-year-old hard drive with no anti-virus protection. It has no hope, like a bad singer trying out for “American Idol,” or an ill-mannered guy on a date with a hot girl.

OK, you get the point.

The weights are getting too heavy to curl, the sales at the mall become too tempting to ignore, the need to procrastinate is too easy to do and putting a stop to an addiction doesn’t seem like something you want to partake in anymore.

OK, OK, OK. You get it.

But stick in there, even though it becomes so much harder with the new semester about to kick us in the butt.

We’ll get so busy that we can’t even check our MySpace profiles. We’ll become so consumed by term papers, exams, parties, boring professors and the cute man/woman in our class that we can’t make time to eat at least one fruit a day.

But don’t give up.

Think about the possibility of making a New Year’s resolution a reality. It’ll be like gaining 10 extra pounds of muscle and knowing all the girls will be on you like a football player spotting a loose ball. Then you’ll have to decide which girl to kiss.

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