The New Hotness

By Chhun Sun
Columnist

Ah, the first week of school...

Nothing spells disaster like going to your first class and already having the dying need to leave this institution.

But don’t go yet. You might miss out on a memorable moment, like witnessing University President John Welty happily pedal a bicycle six times smaller than his physique, which he did at one homecoming event a couple of years ago.

Not only that, but campus life for both sexes in the first couple of weeks is something like sitting front row at an exclusive fashion show endorsing the latest in high-priced shoes, shiny pants, indoor sunglasses and, in one case, a pink backpack (I assume the dude has some kind of identity issue he has yet to deal with).

So you need to take pleasure in the beauties that encircle you before the long semester takes a toll on the body.

Take, for instance, the Jessica Alba clone in your microbiology class. She will soon become as reckless about her appearance as Courtney Love at a wine-tasting event. And don’t expect the classmate who looks like Orlando Bloom to maintain his uncanny resemblance to the actor. After eight consecutive nights of frat parties, where he can do back-to-back-to-back keg stands, he’ll end up slightly heavier (and uglier) than Tom Arnold.

Sadly, people’s looks won’t be the only thing diminishing.

People will start disappearing. It can be, for example, a case of not realizing he or she is in the wrong class until a month into the semester. (Actually, I was almost in a similar situation where I found myself surrounded by mostly women and then realized I was in a fashion merchandising class. But such wisdom takes time and patience to develop.) Just don’t get too acquainted with anyone until you know for a fact that they will stick it out for the remainder of the year.

Then people are going to start getting moody. It’s not intentional. It’s strictly by circumstance. When the 15-page term papers, tireless (and sometimes useless) group study sessions and the reality of the University High students hogging the lunch lines becomes too much, people tend to not be very kind.

The best way to handle these people is like treating cancer. Once you noticed any symptoms of moodiness, put an end to it early. In other words, leave them.

All of this advice may help many of you. But if it doesn’t and you can’t stop drinking alcohol like it was water, then you might need to make a career change. That is, of course, if Love and Arnold need body doubles in a “Soul Plane” sequel, or perhaps, a court appearance.

Chhun Sun is a senior majoring in Mass Communication and Journalism. ‘The New Hotness’ will run every Friday in The Collegian.