Dead Days make an early summer

By CHRIS MARKLUND / Guest Columnist

Well, the last day of class is upon us and, for most of us, that means our papers have come and passed due, our exams have been taken and in-class presentations have been presented. Time to give a satisfied stretch, power down our word processors, shut our textbooks and shift ourselves into summer mode. “Well, what about finals?” you say?

In my rummaging through the deepest catacombs of the Madden Library I have uncovered memos from the administration that admit twice, then confirm, then deny, then re-re-admit that dead days is the official beginning of summer.

The administration realizes that, for many students, this time of year can be a shocking switch, moving from the rigors of school to the pleasures of summer and, despite fierce opposition from the Board of Regents and the Federal Emergency Management Administration, they have tried to smooth the transition to summer for the student body. They have tried in vain to hide this from the us. Fearing that if they entrusted us with this secret, one of our numbers may let it slip into the wrong hands. They have continually issued, in their usual fashion, farcical statements about how these supposed dead days should be spent, “Visit your professor’s office hours... Catch up on coursework… Don’t forget about final exams… ” They tell us this, but it should be obvious what’s really going on.

What coursework? Classes are finished today. And final exams? You can’t be serious. Some start at 6:30 in the morning, and there is no legal reason to make a student get up that early. Besides, the bookstore isn’t even open that early. How do they possibly expect us to get bluebooks or No. 2 pencils to take our exams?

It’s clear this is all just smoke and mirrors and you don’t have to look very hard to see right through this veil of deceit. What is on the other side of this veil? Beach trips, tanning and much needed sleep.

Why study when the administration really wants us to relax? After all, if they expected us to learn after today, don’t you think they would have scheduled class tomorrow?