Take a nice sock in the face in lieu of a big test

By CHRIS MARKLUND / Guest Columnist

Living by the library gives one a chance to observe things that may ordinarily go unnoticed: the delicately balanced ecosystem of a perennial swamp, the finer points of backhoe operation and fiber optic cable installation and, judging by the number of cars parked by the library at 11:30 p.m., that there are quite a few of you who, like me, choose to wait until the night before to start that term paper or study for that test because there are just other things you’d rather be doing.

Is all the added stress of procrastination for that extra hour of HALO or another night of blissful insobriety worth it?

Well, probably not. Should we start things earlier than the night before? Maybe.

But every time a first year lecturer finds it necessary to have his Poli Sci class answer 200 multiple choice questions on the life of Adlai Stevenson II, or a graduate lab instructor thinks that 25 pages on the mating rituals of Tonkanese Sea Plankton is a rewarding intellectual pursuit, should we be forced to reign in our merriment?

Emphatically, I cry, “NO!”

What if there were a way to eliminate some of this stress without offering your grade as a sacrifice? If it were up to me, and if the president’s office would return my calls, we would all have a way out.

Allow me to explain: Your frat threw its president a birthday party last night and you’re still a little hung over, you’ve spent all morning fighting with your significant other. When you opened your book on the way to class in a last-minute cram attempt, you found that the suspiciously cheap text book you purchased off of eBay is actually a cleverly disguised piggy bank.

Don’t panic, walk up to your professor, stand up tall and tell him you are not going to take that test. Under the university’s current, obsolete system you would be met with cold indifference from the faculty.

But under my system you would find a perking in your teacher’s ears, a smile on his lips and a punch in the face. THWACK!!! OK, so I know what you’re saying, “A sock in the face, isn’t that a little, well, boring?”

If this program is going to work, professorial creativity is key. A pop quiz may be met with noogies from one professor and a chokeslam from another, but that’s all you have to go through.

Like the test never happened, you can swagger out of the room while the rest of those suckers sweat it out.

Would it be a little embarrassing at first? Probably. Could it hurt a little? Maybe so. Might it bruise?

Perhaps. But all these are fleeting.

After all, bruises can be hidden with the skillful parting of one’s hair and the red hue of embarrassment can be passed off as psoriasis, but a blemished transcript is forever.

—Chris Marklund is a sophomore political science major
and a student assistant at the Kenneth L. Maddy Institute.