Dating for dummies, what not to say
By NYRIE KARKAZIAN & JENNA NIELSEN
Attention all boys — oh, excuse us, we mean men. This list was
devised to help all those in need of advice about things you should never,
ever say on a first date.
Hopefully, these extravagant, mindless words will never find their way
past your lips. But if for some reason you lack the normal human social
skills to keep you from making a fool of yourself, please read on for
all of our sakes.
If women want equal rights, then you can start by paying for
dinner.
If you were man enough to ask her out in the first place then you should
take the responsibility as the man you are to pay for this beautiful woman’s
meal.
Woman: Do you think I look fat in this outfit? Man: No, the
fact that you are fat makes you look fat.
When a woman asks any question containing the word fat in it, please,
for your own sake, just smile and nod your head to signal no. Even better,
come up with a quick line to feed her. For example “Baby, you look
good in everything you wear. In fact, I would prefer you didn’t
wear anything!”
I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I
wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
Although we applaud your money saving techniques, this may not be the
most suave way to impress your date. By now, she’d have a look of
disgust on her face.
And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend.
It’s probably not the best idea to tell your date you want her friend.
She may stand up, walk across to where you’re sitting and slap you
silly, in the most graceful, yet embarrassing, way possible.
As soon as I saw you, I knew you’d go out with me. I
said to myself, there is someone who looks desperate enough.
If you say a phrase like this, the only one who is desperate is probably
you. She also might have just felt sorry for you and accepted your date
out of pity because otherwise you would have looked completely and utterly
foolish, and she would have looked like a witch.
Oh God, it’s 11 p.m. I’ve got to get home before
my wife notices I’m gone.
First of all…ewww! It goes without saying, if you are married, you
probably shouldn’t be on a date. And if for some horrible reason
you are, under no circumstances should you 1) admit it, and 2) use it
as a reason to end the date. If you are past the point of 1 and 2 then
you should save yourself the embarrassment and walk far, far away. In
fact run. Run as fast as you can. Run like you stole a TV in the L.A.
riots and never look back.
You’re definitely the best I’ve taken out this
week…then again, it’s only Wednesday.
Wednesday is hump day, and by the looks of it with this comment, there
won’t be any of that going on. If you feel obligated to be out on
a date every single night of the week, this could mean one of many different
things. You either have no life, no job, don’t go to school or don’t
have any other obligation in life that requires responsibility or brains.
I love the way the light catches the hair on your upper lip.
If your date’s upper lip hair is that incredibly visible then you
should highly consider double checking to see if she really is a woman.
After the “Is she really a chick?” test if, she is a he politely
excuse yourself and walk out. Also it would be best not to tell anyone
about your horrible mistake.
Wait here, I have to call my mom. She told me to check in at 8 p.m.
How old are you? Obviously not old enough to be out on a date by yourself
without mommy. If you have to check in with your mom at a certain hour,
you should seriously reevaluate your maturity level.
P.S. If your mom suggests herself to be a chaperone on your date, tell
her you will be fine. Besides, you have your blankee to comfort you if
the date goes sour.
My last relationship ended badly, but thankfully the courts
ruled it justifiable homicide.
If there was some way you could eat your words and vomit them back up,
this phrase would not even come close to sounding like anything a sane
man would say. You should immediately leave the premises and report yourself
to the proper authorities. You do the crime, you do the time.
Boys — now that we feel we have demeaned you enough to call you
boys — you should really take these tips and thoughts into consideration.
Think long and hard about what utterances come out of your mouth.
Be careful as to what part of your anatomy you are thinking with, respect
your date and all the rest will fall into place. Good luck and happy dating.
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