Dating for dummies, what not to say

By NYRIE KARKAZIAN & JENNA NIELSEN

Attention all boys — oh, excuse us, we mean men. This list was devised to help all those in need of advice about things you should never, ever say on a first date.

Hopefully, these extravagant, mindless words will never find their way past your lips. But if for some reason you lack the normal human social skills to keep you from making a fool of yourself, please read on for all of our sakes.

If women want equal rights, then you can start by paying for dinner.

If you were man enough to ask her out in the first place then you should take the responsibility as the man you are to pay for this beautiful woman’s meal.

Woman: Do you think I look fat in this outfit? Man: No, the fact that you are fat makes you look fat.

When a woman asks any question containing the word fat in it, please, for your own sake, just smile and nod your head to signal no. Even better, come up with a quick line to feed her. For example “Baby, you look good in everything you wear. In fact, I would prefer you didn’t wear anything!”

I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

Although we applaud your money saving techniques, this may not be the most suave way to impress your date. By now, she’d have a look of disgust on her face.

And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend.

It’s probably not the best idea to tell your date you want her friend. She may stand up, walk across to where you’re sitting and slap you silly, in the most graceful, yet embarrassing, way possible.

As soon as I saw you, I knew you’d go out with me. I said to myself, there is someone who looks desperate enough.

If you say a phrase like this, the only one who is desperate is probably you. She also might have just felt sorry for you and accepted your date out of pity because otherwise you would have looked completely and utterly foolish, and she would have looked like a witch.

Oh God, it’s 11 p.m. I’ve got to get home before my wife notices I’m gone.

First of all…ewww! It goes without saying, if you are married, you probably shouldn’t be on a date. And if for some horrible reason you are, under no circumstances should you 1) admit it, and 2) use it as a reason to end the date. If you are past the point of 1 and 2 then you should save yourself the embarrassment and walk far, far away. In fact run. Run as fast as you can. Run like you stole a TV in the L.A. riots and never look back.

You’re definitely the best I’ve taken out this week…then again, it’s only Wednesday.

Wednesday is hump day, and by the looks of it with this comment, there won’t be any of that going on. If you feel obligated to be out on a date every single night of the week, this could mean one of many different things. You either have no life, no job, don’t go to school or don’t have any other obligation in life that requires responsibility or brains.

I love the way the light catches the hair on your upper lip.

If your date’s upper lip hair is that incredibly visible then you should highly consider double checking to see if she really is a woman. After the “Is she really a chick?” test if, she is a he politely excuse yourself and walk out. Also it would be best not to tell anyone about your horrible mistake.

Wait here, I have to call my mom. She told me to check in at 8 p.m.

How old are you? Obviously not old enough to be out on a date by yourself without mommy. If you have to check in with your mom at a certain hour, you should seriously reevaluate your maturity level.
P.S. If your mom suggests herself to be a chaperone on your date, tell her you will be fine. Besides, you have your blankee to comfort you if the date goes sour.

My last relationship ended badly, but thankfully the courts ruled it justifiable homicide.

If there was some way you could eat your words and vomit them back up, this phrase would not even come close to sounding like anything a sane man would say. You should immediately leave the premises and report yourself to the proper authorities. You do the crime, you do the time.

Boys — now that we feel we have demeaned you enough to call you boys — you should really take these tips and thoughts into consideration. Think long and hard about what utterances come out of your mouth.

Be careful as to what part of your anatomy you are thinking with, respect your date and all the rest will fall into place. Good luck and happy dating.