The Love Doctor

Psychology professor Michael Botwin takes love seriously; he has spent the last 10 years conducting a study to find out what people look for in a partner

By ERIKA LINDQUIST

Finding a date for Valentine’s Day may not be as hard as it seems. In fact, that special someone could be just a wink, a smile or a little eye contact away.

Psychology professor Michael Botwin conducted a study about flirting, using more than 700 students at Fresno State and Fresno City College. He’s been working on the study for the last 10 years.

According to Botwin’s study, winking, smiling and eye contact are the three most common flirting techniques that work when finding a partner. But Botwin said “people with good social skills are the ones who flirt the best.”

Botwin said if you just ask out enough people, sooner or later you’ll find someone. Unfortunately, Botwin said, guys still do most of the asking out.

Botwin said don’t give up if you lack social skills, because flirting comes in all different forms. Body language, scent, and humor are a few ways to attract the opposite sex.

One of Botwin’s 32 flirting tactics suggests “acting coy,” playing hard to get.

“I like a girl to play hard a little, but I want to know she’s interested,” psychology major Mark Holloway said.

Botwin said stalking is another flirting tactic.

“A girl will follow a guy around hoping to run into him,” Botwin said.

“I don’t know of anyone who has ever stalked me, but I think everyone does it,” liberal studies major Blanca Espino said. “When you like someone, you want to see them.”

But following someone home is too extreme, Espino said.

“Running into them to start a conversation is a better way to do it.”

Sexually suggestive comments are also a popular flirting method. But according to Botwin’s study, they don’t work very well.

Espino said such comments are OK with her, as long as they are from a guy she actually likes. “If you like the person, you will go along with it and flirt back,” she said.

“Guys do more flirting,” Botwin said. “Women can be controlling, deciding whether to continue dating.”

Botwin said if you don’t know how to flirt, “Think of someone you know who is good at flirting and write down five behaviors they do.”

Both men and women spend a lot of time planning how they are going to approach someone. But when it comes down to it, Botwin said, a simple “Hi. How are you doing?” usually works.

Flirting can be compared to a job interview, Botwin said. People evaluate each other and decide whether they want to take it to the next level during the first phase of flirting.

But what does one look for in a mate, anyway?

“Do you look for someone who matches you, or do you look for someone opposite of you?” Botwin said.

If you can’t cook, do you look for someone who can?

The truth is, trying to find someone who has something you lack, Botwin said, “doesn’t work and never has worked.”

Botwin said people match up because they have similar characteristics.

Also, the “3 by 3 rule” plays a big part in selection, as well.

“Men like women who are three years younger and three inches shorter,” Botwin said. “Women like men who are three years older and three inches taller.”

So what does one do after finding that special someone? Be careful because “the first days of love are infatuation,” Botwin said. People are not always who you think they are, he said.

“You know, true love is so hard to find these days,” theatre arts major Scott Ford said. “Everyone is so unhappy with themselves and constantly looking to better their lives by making change. It’s hard to sustain a relationship for any length of time these days.”

Ford said he is not looking for a valentine this year.

“Right now, I’m just focusing on the things I can control in my life,” he said.

To him, finding a date for Valentine’s Day would be “something that feels good in the moment, but doesn’t have the depth to last.”

Ford strongly believes “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Everything else is just a temporary Band-Aid.”

Some of the questions that inspired Botwin to do his research are those that many people would like answered.

What is love at first sight?

Is there some kind of connection?

How soon are people picking up connections?

Why do people fall in love?”

“Do we really want the scientific answer on love?” Botwin said.

No one may ever have all the answers, but at least Valentine’s Day is a great excuse to look for love, he said.

“I think everyone has a good shot at love,” Botwin said.