Card companies need Valentine's Day messages for real relationships

By Katrina Garcia
The Collegian

ON A ROUTINE visit to Target the other day, I passed by the greeting card section.

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I was bombarded with images of pink and red hearts, symbolizing love, or some emotion resembling it.

I picked one up, just for kicks.

“There’s nothing else I’d rather do than spend the rest of my life loving you…”

Seriously?

I was laughing before I even read the inside of the card.

Like I really need to read more gushy lies — I mean — lines, I thought.

Maybe it’s just the way my un-love life has been since junior high, but I rarely have a clear-cut relationship status around Valentine’s Day.

It’s never, “I’m taken,” or “We’re dating officially.” Instead, I’m in the roundabouts, the what-are-we-doings — the stuff that Hallmark dare not touch.

Why?

If you were a greeting card writer, wouldn’t you rather just write about the most basic emotions and the “normal” relationships?

It’s a lot easier.

“I love you, Valentine,” or, “We’re just starting out, but I know you’re just what I’ve always wanted…”
It’s simple. And not normal, at least in my case.

Recently, card companies such as American Greetings have released a few anti-Valentine’s Day cards for those who are single but not lonely — the independent women who refuse to send themselves flowers.

So now greeting card companies are relishing in their newfound anti-Valentine’s Day singles groupies — all 51 percent of the nation’s women who are single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

But I’m now left with choosing to send the person I’m sorta-dating a “My life began when I met you” card or the “I think, therefore I am single” option.

Technically, I’m not single. And honestly, I’m OK with not being head-over-heels for someone.
Usually, the person I’m dating-ish is OK with it, too.

I just wish Hallmark knew how I felt!

Thankfully, I don’t work for American Greetings, because if I did, Valentine’s Day cards would be based off of the types of “relationships” I’ve been in.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I think you’re cute, and you know you are too. Happy Valentine’s Day, you cocky, Abercrombie hoodie-obsessed jerk.”

“To the special girl I love — who never lets me play poker with my friends 24/7.” (Also comes in Guitar Hero edition.)

“For the only guy in my life — as far as you’re concerned.”

I’m really not trying to sound cynical here.

I just don’t think the people who write the not-for-singles cards do anything except watch crappy Lifetime movies all day and binge on My Super Expensive Wedding — or whatever bridezilla show that’s on the WE network my roommate keeps Tivo’ing.

What relationships even make it to V-Day, anyway?

I keep hearing about the post-holiday breakups, so who’s staying strong from one gift-giving holiday to the next hyper-commercialized holiday?

I don’t sit around all day Feb. 14 hoping that someone will bring me chocolate.

I don’t even like chocolate.

And frankly, if it were up to me, instead of Hershey’s and roses I’d make Valentine’s Day all about Sour Patch Kids and Chia pets.

Yes, Chia pets. They don’t die, right?

I just need to find a card that says something real to the person I’m somewhat involved with.

Not a made-up fairy tale valentine. Not the “you complete me” garbage. Just the facts.

“Valentine, I know I’d never pursue a serious relationship with you, but you’re a ton of fun.”

Or maybe even, “I love you, Valentine, but you’re smothering me to death and it’d be great if we could have some space for a while so I can breathe again.”

I know reality never sells as well as the fairy tale, but it would make for an honest, not-nearly-as-awkward Valentine’s Day. This way, everyone who’s not single but not really in love would know where they truly stand in these situations.

I guess for now, though, I’m stuck with my Happy Bunny valentines that read, “Guys are dumb, but they buy you stuff.”

I hope it’s a bag of Sour Patch Kids for me.

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