Dumbness is a disease

I can't escape

How dumb is yours truly? Let me count the ways. But before doing so, let’s make sure anyone who’s reading this knows what the word dumb means.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word dumb means “lacking intelligence; stupid.”

Dumbness can seep into the lives of ordinary people like raindrops percolating on a tin roof. In other words, it’s a disease many of us can’t escape, no matter what.

Especially me, someone who has committed enough dumb things in a lifetime to fill up a vault that can be unbolted a million years from now for a new civilization to laugh at.

Let me explain.

My parents can’t confirm this, but I’m almost positive I was born without common sense. Luckily I’ve been smart enough to know not to fall for something more than three times.

That means watching what I say to people who are bigger than me, knowing when I’m capable of cracking a joke, especially when I stutter, not running into screen doors and going to class prepared.

So far this semester, luck has been on my side. I’ve had a few dumb moments, but for the most part I’ve been slicker than your average.

That is, until Monday.

I woke up about two hours before my class at noon to check my e-mail, eat, read the news online and watch re-runs of MTV’s “Laguna Beach,” in that order.

As I walked out the door I stuck my hand into my right pocket and felt emptiness. Then I did the same with my left hand in my left pocket and yes, emptiness again. I stopped in my tracks, yet I remained calm. I walked to my room and started searching. Still I remained calm, even though my room was sloppier than Kanye West’s lyrics.

Ten minutes later I started to panic.

I tossed clothes in the air and started looking in places I normally wouldn’t look, like my underwear drawer. Just kidding.

Then I had a realization, an epiphany of some kind.

I thought, “How about the door?” There it was, my key still halfway inside the lock. This is when I started having a conversation with myself:

“What the heck is wrong with you?”

“I don’t know, but yeah that was stupid.”

“Yes, it was.”

“I know, I know. Someone could have taken your keys and drove off with your car. Or even worst, come inside the house and steal your ‘Mean Girls’ DVD!”

“Dannnnng.”

This time luck was on my side. But in the past I haven’t been so lucky.

At a Carl Jr.’s my shorts — which didn’t have a belt — dropped, exposing my boxers in public and gave the elder lady next to me a near heart attack.

At a picnic I hit on a girl who I later discovered was related to me. I haven’t seen her since.

Hmm, I wonder why? I guess I should have known better since it was a family picnic.

I can’t even remember the many times I’ve walked to my car only to realize later I was walking in the wrong direction.

I need to stop acting dumb, especially now that the semester is about to end. It would suck so much if I forgot to study for an exam or missed a class completely. Then I’d have to take the class again next semester and that would be dumb.

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