The do's and don'ts of public displays of affection

Hopeless and Romantic by NYRIE KARKAZIAN & JENNA NIELSEN

Don’t be one of those couples.

By one of those couples, we mean the ones who excessively and grotesquely show their affection for each other. Public displays of affection are OK when done in a tasteful, appropriate manner.

We hope our advice helps you modestly show affection for your partner because you are attracted to each other, not because you want to attract attention.

When sitting next to your significant other in the car, do remain in the passenger seat. Don’t slide as close to your partner as possible so that you both are occupying the same seat. If you find yourself in the lap of your partner, please return to your designated area and fasten your seatbelt.

While taking an afternoon stroll on campus with your significant other, do hold hands or put your arm around his or her shoulder. Don’t walk behind your partner with your hands around their waist so that your bodies waddle in synchronization. If it takes you 30 minutes to get from the bookstore to the fountain and your legs get intertwined and you fall into the fountain, you know something’s wrong with your waddle.

While waiting for the FAX bus to come pick you up, do sit next to your significant other and give them a romantic hug or kiss. Don’t straddle your partner like you’re ready to compete for the first prize in the bull-riding contest or vigorously lick his or her face like your cat does when bathing itself.

When getting down in the club with your significant other, do dance with your partner — don’t dance ON your partner. If you are so incredibly close to your partner that if your clothes fell off you’d be making babies, please step at least one foot away and cool down.

While having a romantic dinner with your significant other, do enjoy and maybe share your food. Don’t engage in intense groping or any other activity that would cause other customers in the establishment to lose their appetite and throw a stale dinner roll at your head.

While viewing a romantic comedy at the theater with your significant other, do gaze at him or her and give a romantic gesture during a passionate part of the movie. Don’t give your partner mouth-to-mouth with loud animal panting or moaning noises. Also, please remember to turn off your cell phone and no smacking at any time.

When you, as a couple, are hanging out with another friend, do include that person and have fun as a group. Don’t ignore his or her existence and pounce on your partner like a lion on its prey. After all, you are not in an episode of “When Wild Animals Attack.”

For the sake of all 20,000 students on campus, please remember to use discretion while being affectionate. Although we love to see happy couples celebrating their love for each other, please keep it all PG. Good luck and happy dating.