This is for the girls who just want to know what’s actually going on every Sunday when your brother, dad or boyfriend aggressively rages and yells at the TV screen.
What do they actually mean when they angrily shout at the TV screen for “not using the nickel package” (What even is that, spare change?) Well, actually, think of a nickel package like when you change from sneakers to heels. You don’t wear heels to the gym, just like defenses don’t use the same setup for every play. Your sneakers are still you, just optimized for a different challenge (like a pass-heavy offense).
Let’s be honest, when football season kicks off, you’re more focused on the fall vibes rather than the game. We’re talking cozy sweaters, pumpkin spice galore and finally seeing Hobby Lobby’s fall aisle in all its glory.
So, if you’ve ever found yourself stuck watching a football game just for the snacks and the vibes, this one’s for you. Here’s football explained in girl terms: Well, the fabulous, fun, finally-makes-sense version of football. If we can successfully decode skincare routines, star signs and our favorite music artists’ easter eggs, we can definitely understand football.
Teams – The fashion show
In football, there are two teams competing against each other, and they each wear different outfits. You can think of it like a runway competition, but instead of strutting, they tackle.
Each team has a total of 11 guys on the field. One team is trying to get to the end zone, the VIP section, while the other team is trying to stop them. Think of it like trying to make it to the last pair of red-bottom heels at the Black Friday sale while all the other customers are blocking you.
Huddle – The group chat
Before the game begins and before each play, the team forms into a little circle to discuss their next move.
Think of this as when your friend group stops on the corner of the street to strategize on how to approach the group of cute guys at the party. This includes whispering, planning and breaking every move down.
The quarterback – The drama queen
In football, every team has a quarterback. This guy gives off the “main character energy.” The quarterback is the one who gets the ball and decides whether to throw it (pass), hand it off (run) or panic and throw it to literally no one.
Think of the quarterback like the girl who is in charge of planning the girls’ night out. Everyone is counting on him, and if he messes up, the whole thing is bound to fall apart.
Wide receiver – The attention seekers
In football, the wide receiver is the one sprinting down the field and, at the same time, hoping to catch the quarterback’s perfect throw.
Basically, the wide receivers are giving “pick me” energy — but in a hot way.
Think of the wide receiver as the girl in the friend group who doesn’t even have to try. It’s the girl who will get a text back from a guy first, just by existing.
Running backs – The fast and the fabulous
In football, the running backs are the guys who get handed the ball and basically get told to “run like your Sephora sale cart depends on it.”
Running backs are the sprinters of the team, and they have to be quick and agile. If the quarterback is the main character, the running backs are his ride-or-die besties.
They are always ready to take the pressure off by dodging, spinning, and weaving through the defenders like they’re avoiding red flags on Hinge.
The running backs are the ultimate “get-it-done girls” of the offense.
Offensive line – Your hype squad
The offensive linemen are the big guys on the field, and really, their only job is protecting the quarterback like he’s the last person on earth with concert tickets to your favorite artist.
Although they don’t get the glory, without them, the field would be a disaster.
You can think of the offensive line as your loyal besties who are there through everything, and who will block all of your haters and hold your purse while you live in your moment.
Defense – The haters
So, while one team is trying their hardest to move forward, the other team is doing everything in their power to stop them. These guys are considered the haters, blockers and defenders.
You can think of these guys as your ex’s friends when you try sliding back into his DMs. Not happening, girl.
Linebacker – The confident queen
On defense, the linebackers must stay ready for anything, whether that be runs, passes or just utter chaos.
Think of the linebackers as the girl in the group who has a black belt in karate, but she also carries pepper spray just in case.
Just a warning, though, don’t mess with him. He sees — and knows — everything, and he’s also prepared for just about anything.
In football, the linebacker is the glue that holds everything together. The linebacker is a defensive player who lines up behind the defensive linemen. They are the most versatile defenders. They stop the run, rush the passer, and drop into pass coverage. Think of them as the all-around queen of defense. They are fast, smart, and fierce.
Safety – responsible girl
Safety is the physical embodiment of “in case of emergency, break glass.” If everyone else messes up, it falls on the safety to stop a touchdown from the opposing group of girls at the party.
Think of it as the most responsible girl in the friend group. She’s the one at the party who makes sure no one leaves their phone in the Uber by accident.
The Kicker – The clutch queen
You only notice these guys when it really matters because their entire job comes down to one swift, perfect move.
Think of it like eyeliner. No one will notice it until it’s crooked or one side is longer than the other. But, when it hits just right, it’s iconic!
Downs – Chances to get it right
The team has a total of four tries (called downs) to move the ball 10 yards forward. If they do so successfully, they get another set of four tries.
Think of this as trying to convince your girls to go out on a Friday night. You get four attempts to change the group chat’s vibe.
If you succeed, the party continues! If not? Well, it looks like you’re staying home and watching your favorite Netflix show in your PJs, which doesn’t necessarily sound half bad.
Penalties
In football, you can think of a penalty like breaking girl code. You did something shady or against the rules, and now there’s a consequence.
In football, it’s like someone got caught cheating, and now the refs throw a flag (literally) to say, “No ma’am, try again.”
Now, your team either gets pushed back (ugh) or the other team gets a freebie (double ugh).
Holdings
In football, holding is like when your ex won’t let go of your arm at a party while you’re trying to walk away gracefully.
He’s grabbing you because he’s scared you’ll get past him and do better, and that’s exactly what happens in football.
A player is literally grabbing onto someone (usually illegally), so they can’t move or do their job.
Yikes. Clingy energy = penalty.
The Touchdown – The goal of all goals
If a team makes it all the way to the end zone, they have scored a touchdown on the field. This is a total of 6 points.
If the team earns a touchdown, they have received a chance to earn extra points with a kick or another play.
A touchdown is basically like getting a text back from the cute guy in class and a dinner reservation all in the same day. Score!
The Super Bowl – Met Gala + The Bachelor Finale
Once a year, all of the drama leads up to the biggest event, which is known as the Super Bowl.
The Super Bowl is like the Bachelor finale meets the Met Gala. Everyone is watching, someone is crying and there’s a halftime show that is usually more entertaining than the actual game itself.
Football might seem like a chaotic combination of whistles, weird terminology and a bunch of grown men falling over each other, but at its core, it’s just another drama-filled project with outfits and strategies and a little bit of sweat (okay, maybe a lot of sweat).
So, whether you’re there for the snacks, the halftime show, the vibes or you’re just trying to figure out why your dad is yelling “THAT WAS A HOLDING CALL,” you’ve now got some of the tea.
