A few basic rules for summer jobs

By Megan Bakker

The Collegian

WITH SUMMER COMING up, many students are either getting jobs or getting more hours at current jobs.

And, if you’re like me, many of these jobs fall under the “retail” umbrella, or “miserable meaningless minimum wage activity.” Part of my feelings stem from the places I’ve worked, including a perpetually closing-down used book store, a fairly well-known office supply chain and a theme park.

If you really want to know what hell looks like, picture the sight of your own skin slowly sunburning as malicious ten-year-olds keep refusing to let you buckle the restraints on their seats while the parents mutter words like “lawsuits for negligence” under their breath.

If you want to know boredom, wait until the only customer in the store for the last twenty minutes wants you to come over and compare pen quality, and you’re happy for the excuse to talk to someone.

Such was my life for far too many summers. And this summer, I know there are some of you that will experience my pain because, let’s face it, we need the money. Each job has it’s own particular quirks and each manager has their own lovely set of pet peeves that you have to deal with. But with the myriad of summer jobs that I’ve had, I’ve amassed a lot of things that I now realize are completely inappropriate no matter where I work:

• I am not to pass out political flyers suggesting people vote for me as “The Emperor of Slightly Used Furniture.”

• I am not to bang on shelf units with the broom during closing and blame it on ghosts.

• I am not allowed to affix price labels to myself, or attempt to sell my body to science while on duty.

• Not even at a discounted price.

• I am not allowed to repeat the above procedure using other associates as victims.

• The manager’s name is not “Fearless Leader.”

• “A clue” is not an appropriate item to suggest that a customer buy.

• I am not to answer the phone in a silly voice.

• I am not to answer the phone claiming to be security.

• I am not to answer the phone claiming to be any other establishment.

• I am not to answer the phone.

- “Aiming for consistency” does not mean that I come in consistently late.

• Karaoke over the intercom is NOT my one-way ticket to American Idol.

• I am not to threaten annoying customers with the Retail Mafia.

• I am not to write up a report accusing a stapler of sexual harassment. It does not matter if it “stapled in a leering manner.”

• I am not to yell out random numbers as managers are trying to count inventory.

• I am not allowed to chew gum.

• Even if I brought enough to share.

• Going to the beach is not the same as calling in sick.

• And I can’t have any more than two dead grandmothers.

• And my grandfather did not really have a sex change to give me a third grandmother.

• Calling myself in dead doesn’t work, as speaking on the phone implies that I am, in fact, alive.

• I am not to be working in this establishment much longer.

Comment on this story in the Opinion forum >>