The joys of writing papers over spring break
A few tips for finishing all those assignments before the end of the semester
Pastiche
Benjamin Baxter
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SPRING RECESS IS NOW almost a whole week behind us and yet it continues to burden us with a somewhat temporary impact that remains nonetheless indelible.
It is, and was, the time for writing papers, and though the actual writing and research for these papers is usually done at the last minute, and often literally so, it is true that the prospect of having an opportunity to write the papers was truly the focus of our minds and hearts over the break.
Whether we were prompted to write these pages before the week off or immediately after, it is certain to say that most of us paid at least lip service to getting the research started.
For some of us, research is tantamount to scouring every known work on the subject originally published in English or translated into it and often even more. On each of your last three trips to the library, both arms overflowed with such light reading.
If you couldn’t find anything there, maybe you took the less strenuous route. Maybe you browsed Wikipedia for a few hours — and diligently so. If you didn’t like what you read there, it’s not too bad.
Remember, it’s the free encyclopedia anyone can edit.
For others, research means hard hours slaved away, basking in the warm, evanescent glow of television and video games. Have a paper about recent litigation or criminal justice due? Watch Matlock. Have a performance exam or music pedagogy final? Put in a few arduous hours at the karaoke machine. Lower division critical thinking requirement got you down? That’s why they invented Tetris.
If you went this route in favor of a blissfully inspired vacation, you’re not alone. Several students are probably in the same boat as you, unable to squeeze out more than a few hundred words out of one or two thousand, you resort to the most extreme measures.
Adjust the indent. A press of the tab key puts the beginning of the line halfway across the page. Is your paper already double-spaced? Put an extra space between paragraphs.
Add a few extra words rather strategically in some paragraphs to increase the word count, but, more importantly, to increase the page count. Because, as we all know, the greatest measure of value and veracity is measured in grams.
Adjust the margins. Squeeze your paper into a square a few inches wide. Pictures are passé and somewhat reminiscent of something used to inflate a fourth-grade two-page report, but they are not unknown.
Increase the font size. Making your text 14-point or larger is easily noticed, but you could probably get away with 12.5 or 13, easily.
The savviest among you follow the examples set for you by the academic papers you will cite. Serious academic works talk in complicated, obfuscated language with the stated purpose of furthering the wisdom of mankind.
Such works also very often serve as varyingly transparent or effective vehicles for the stereotypical hubris of modern academia. Opinions have no place in these papers, however, at least not in the main text.
A good or at least prominent paper, however, remembers to cite sources, and these citations are not necessarily within the main text. If you recall, there exists two features of papers in these circles of highest learning.
Footnotes. The bottom half of the page exists for them and you would do well to remember this.
Direct quotations are just as prominent in academic papers. Quote someone credible, but, more importantly, quote someone who already did a paper on your topic. Cite them and give them credit for saying this, but certainly they will help support your fledgling word count.
Even better? This isn’t plagiarism, this is credibility. If you cite someone with similar work on the subject, you look more prepared than haphazard, more well-researched than frantic.
Both the noblest of those who lead their fields and the most second-rate of graduate students use these tricks because this trick is not just some volume booster. It’s also a legitimate effort for the sake of ethos.
I remember sometime in semesters past when a professor of mine said something I shall never forget. This was in front of the class and in response to a joking boast of mine that I, for once, found that I not need to make use of any of these tricks in the composition of a term paper.
“None of those tricks really work on us. We’ve been through so many years of school that we know all the tricks.”
Not only do you professors know all the tricks, they know the best ones.
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