The living joke that is Chuck Norris
Pastiche
Benjamin Baxter |
IF THE INTERNET, that omniscient and infallible depository of useless information, is to be believed, Chuck Norris might just be the rapture incarnate.
And, even though the Internet is a hodgepodge of crude obscenity and is more often a effectively fallible suppository of misinformation, Chuck Norris as personified in the jokes told of him remains akin to some earthly deity.
 The source of the humor in the jokes was determined by a group of MIT sociologists, but their results were mysteriously destroyed before they could publish. There were no survivors.
A man who cares for his rugged good looks and punishes his enemies for mussing his hair to such an extent that he takes preemptive action, the man has been described as a hirsute James Bond. There is no M.
Counting to infinity remains a pastime for Chuck Norris. He has completed the task twice.
In these jokes, his lethality is bound only by his imagination. And, as if he were some kind of expression in elementary calculus, his imagination is boundless. But, unlike elementary calculus, Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris is like a rogue South American junta: pain is his chief export. He is never tiring, he is all-seeing. Some compare him to a cross of Ted Nugent and Santa Claus without the restraint.
What is the story of the Chuck Norris of these jokes, who never so much as bats an eye and inevitably escapes an encounter unscathed?
Was he a Clark Kent success? Is his real name Nal-El, having escaped his home planet’s destruction for which, as he is Chuck Norris, he is to blame? Did he stop by Mars as a detour between his planet and Earth? If he did, was he the one who separated the noble, peace-loving Martian people from their lives?
More importantly, can he touch MC Hammer?
The answer to these queries, dearest readers, is, respectively: likely, perhaps, definitely, yes and without doubt. The man could unscramble eggs in his sleep, were he to ever sleep.
Another theory, touted by the surviving theorists on the matter, is that Chuck Norris received his abilities in a Faustian bargain, having traded away his soul for his rugged beard and unparalleled martial art abilities.
These abilities, and to some extent his beard, were used to regain his soul from Mephistopholes. They cite rumors to the effect that the two became good friends and started a monthly poker game with Woody Harrelson and the ghost of Johnny Cochran.
Norris handily wins these games. Once, he won while holding a joker, a twenty-sided die, the rules for backgammon and a green five card from UNO. He did not even have a fifth card in his hand.
It is unknown whether the proponents of this theory were spared because they were correct or because Chuck prefers the propagation of misinformation.
As might be expected, the team researching his weaknesses was never found. Their notes liken him to a modern-day Achilles, but the absence of a Chuck Norris tendon does not bolster hope among his detractors.
He is also rumored to have fathered the entire 1972 Miami Dolphins team.
I would suggest, humble readers, if these jokes have any grain of truth in them, they would be hazardous to your health. Use them sparingly.
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