If only candidates told the truth

By Jim Shea of The Hartford Courant

If only ...

Moderator: Good evening, and welcome to the final debate between President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry. As you know, this debate is different from the others in one major way: Before taking the stage tonight, each candidate was injected with enough truth serum to make O.J. confess.

In addition to the sodium pentothal, both candidates also have been hooked up to lie detectors, which are being monitored this evening by Robert De Niro. As has been previously determined by a coin flip, the first question is for Sen. Kerry.

Moderator: Senator, what is your overall impression of President Bush.

Kerry: Dumb as a stump.

Moderator: Same question to you, President Bush.

Bush: I’ve hated guys like Kerry all my life.

Moderator: Let me follow up on that, Mr. President. What did you mean, “guys like Kerry.’’

Bush: You know, guys who screwed up the curve in school. I might have been a gentleman’s B student if it weren’t for geeks like Kerry.

Moderator: OK, let’s get to the issues. President Bush, in retrospect, give us an honest assessment of your decision to invade Iraq?

Bush: My bad.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry, you have been highly critical of the president on Iraq, yet you voted in favor of invading. Can you explain the contradiction?

Kerry: Sure, I’m a flip-flopper, major-league waffler.

Moderator: It’s pretty clear now that you knew the intelligence on Iraq was shaky, Mr. President, so why did you go ahead with the war anyway?

Bush: Cheney made me.

Moderator: Following up, Mr. President, how much influence does Dick Cheney have?

Bush: He’s really the president. I just help him out sometimes.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry, you saw the same intelligence, why did you go along?

Kerry: I want to be president.

Moderator: President Bush, how do we get out of Iraq?

Bush: Haven’t a clue.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry?

Kerry: Me either.

Moderator: Let’s talk about domestic issues. Sen. Kerry, what is your view of the Bush tax cuts, which have given the biggest returns to the wealthiest individuals.
Kerry: Works for me.

Moderator: So you don’t think the cuts were unfair?

Kerry: Are you kidding? The little woman and I saved a bundle.

Moderator: Surely the huge future deficits must bother you?

Kerry: Nah, I’ll be dead.

Moderator: Mr. President, would you agree that this country needs a strong middle class?

Bush: Absolutely. Good help is so hard to find these days.

Moderator: What about you, Sen. Kerry?

Kerry: Tell me about it. I almost had to shine my own shoes last week.

Moderator: Mr. President, what do you say to the 45 million Americans who are currently without health insurance.

Bush: Don’t get sick.

Moderator: What about the working poor?

Bush: Get a better job.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry, why don’t you campaign with your wife?

Kerry: She’s overbearing; people can’t stand her; I can’t stand her.

Moderator: So then why did you marry her?

Kerry: What, are you joking? She’s worth $500 million.

Moderator: President Bush, any comment?

Bush: I love Heinz ketchup, put it on everything.

Moderator: Mr. President, what is your top legislative priority?

Bush: Increasing the minimum wage for CEOs.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry?

Kerry: I think we need to do something about prenuptial agreements.

Moderator: Mr. President, is there a reason we haven’t seen much of John Ashcroft?

Bush: Sure is. He’s nuts; he scares people, scares me.

Moderator: President Bush, where were you during those missing months in the National Guard?

Bush: Drunk as a skunk.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry, do you use Botox?

Kerry: I buy it by the case.

Moderator: President Bush, any image-enhancing tricks?

Bush: Sometimes I stuff a rolled-up pair of socks in my shorts.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry, if you are elected, what is the very first thing you will do?

Kerry: Get even.

Moderator: Mr. President, if you are re-elected, what is the first thing you will do?
Bush: Ditto.

Moderator: And what will you do if you lose the election, Sen. Kerry?

Kerry: I’ll probably windsurf over to France.

Moderator: President Bush?

Bush: Think I’ll probably order the expanded cable package.