Having something to read while putting—priceless

Thoughts From The Doghouse By Alberto Magallanes & Ryan Ramos

You know when you’re in class, your mind starts to wander and you come up with weird thoughts like, “How much will the Wherehouse give me for my Shaq Diesel CD?” Well, we decided to write them down. Enjoy.

• Well, Arnold Schwarzenneger is our new governor. Love him or hate him, realize California is now being run by a man who read the script to Last Action Hero and said, “Hey, this doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I’ll do it.”

• A couple weeks ago Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda, went on the radio again to defend her struggling husband. The St. Louis Rams might as well drop Kurt Warner and sign his wife. Not only do they have matching haircuts, but she’s the one with the stones in the family.

• “Friends” may be one of the best shows on television, but have you ever noticed that Rachel keeps moving from guy to guy like a bucket of KFC?

• Speaking of “Friends,” what the hell does Courtney Cox see in David Arquette? She makes about a gazillion dollars every week and he makes “Eight-Legged Freaks.”

• MasterCard rip-off 1: Fenway Frank—$5. Cup of watered-down beer—$8. Authentic Nomar Garciaparra jersey—$45. Two tickets to game three of the ALCS—$250. Witnessing a 72-year-old coach charge the mound, get pie-faced and shoved to the ground during a bench-clearing brawl—priceless.

• If you went to the Big Fresno Fair this year, ate a fried Twinkie and a fried Oreo, then congratulations. You just shaved 10 years off your life.

• Alberto’s friend Chris sampled a fried Oreo and figured he could make his own bootleg version. Two grease fires and several first-degree burns later, Chris realizes that fried Oreo making is best left to the professionals.

• Isn’t it a little discouraging to see a Fresno State alumni license plate frame on the back of a beat up 1973 Pinto?

• While flipping through a novelty catalog, Ryan stumbled across this item for every golfer’s restroom—a small putting green and mini putter that you can use while sitting on the john. I guess your dignity’s sold separately. I know practice makes perfect, but if you’re spending that much time on the can, improving your short game should be the least of your worries.

• Believe it or not, there’s actually a football player named “Josh Booty” who was cut from the Cleveland Browns. With a name like that, it’s amazing this guy survived high school. If Josh Booty ever gets married, what are the chances his wife will insist on keeping her maiden name?

• Are we alone in thinking that every bag of Funyuns should come with a free pack of chewing gum? The only thing that brings the funk harder than a bag of Funyuns is George Clinton.

• We hope you all enjoy our column. Every week we work really hard to try to come up with fresh material so we won’t disappoint our fans—all four of you.

— This columnist can be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu