The whole thing seems familiar—a little too familiar

Grandma, Guns And Apple Pie By Robert Delaware

Here is the scenario. Sexual allegations are denied by the candidate, a Los Angeles Times investigation using anonymous sources details the candidate’s boorish behavior, the complicity of his friends and security apparatus in his questionable activities.

When everything seems to be spinning out of control, the candidate’s wife vigorously defends her husband and claims there is a conspiracy seeking to destroy her husband’s campaign. Deflect criticism about Hollywood and Kennedy connections. Above all else, avoid answering direct questions from reporters and appearing before unfriendly audiences. Ladies and gentlemen, the state of California has just elected Bill Clinton as its new governor!

No wait, I have got to stick to the script. Voters in California have recalled Gray Davis and propelled yet another actor into the governorship. Arnold Schwarzenegger has managed to turn Davis into only the second governor in United States history to be cast out of office. Poor Davis, he didn’t even get the distinction of being the first. Now Schwarzenegger, with the help of friends like Pete Wilson, Warren Buffet and Gary Busey, will have to take control of the runaway train known as California. We all wish him luck. Especially considering that Arnold has said he will somehow manage to repeal the car tax, will not raise taxes, won’t cut spending for education and will still balance the budget. All the while keeping his Hollywood tan.

The whole recall process stank and had the feel and taste of tricks practiced by Karl Rove and others that ran the Wilson administration. No, I am not talking about the “slippery hands” stories about Arnold. Those allegations appeared in print years ago. Even Arnold himself admitted in old interviews that he smoked hash and participated in group sex (I just know he is a closet democrat!).

No, everything else about the recall was fishy. Remember when the man who started the recall, Darrel Issa, burst into tears as he announced he was dropping out? Or when Pete Wilson appeared on ABC’s “This Week” to remind voters that immigrant Arnold had gleefully voted for Proposition 187? Or how Bustamante seemed sedated during the big debate? I suspect some sick and twisted things going on and I feel it would be too early to discount the role of a variety of dark forces. As old Raymond Chandler used to say, “in California there is always evil hiding right in the sunlight.” Chandler could have written the script to this recall.

I am starting to sound a little paranoid. After all, maybe the recall was a good thing. In fact it is time to give thanks where thanks is due. Thank you Arnold. Now “youthful indiscretions” can stretch well into your fifties. Thank you Darrel Issa, now paid “volunteers” from Arizona and Nevada can flood Southern California and help put any goofy idea on the ballot.

Special thanks to the collapse of McClintock’s campaign. Right now religious conservatives are once again political lion feed in California. Most of all, thank you to those voters who supported the recall. Listen closely and you can hear the discontent and complete determination which will oust Schwarzenegger, Dick Cheney and President Bush out of office in due time.

— This columnist can be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu