The restrooms at Fresno State range from golden palaces with porcelain thrones to hot, dirty porta-potty-esque stalls. As someone who has used restrooms my entire life, I have very harsh opinions on which seats I let my butt go on. Here’s a ranking of my top five and bottom five restrooms on campus. Please note that as a male, I did not test women’s exclusive restrooms, but how different can they be, right?

Top 5

RSU second floor gender-neutral 

The Resnick Student Union (RSU) is the newest building on campus. It’s nice to see that the restrooms there reflect modern thinking. While gender-neutral restrooms may seem awkward at first, that feeling soon goes away after experiencing heaven on porcelain (disclaimer: I have no clue if they are actually made of porcelain). The stalls go from the bottom of the floor to the tippy-top of the ceiling. There is a ton of space in every stall, and it is always clean. I never felt more at home sitting on a cold toilet seat than on the RSU second floor. 10/10

Science II, second floor, Area C

Hidden in the halls of Science II lies a restroom so luxurious that I forgot that I was in a restroom. It’s a single restroom with a locking door and as much space as I imagine an entire dorm room has. I felt safe and secure. The window above the toilet lets in ambient light. There is a vent right above the stall that efficiently circulates air. I felt so prestigious doing my business in a restroom that is surrounded by people with doctorates in all areas of science. There’s a sense of sophistication whilst sitting on that throne. And to top it all off, there’s a plant on the sink next to the faucet. Absolute class. The only downside is that it is difficult to reach. 9.5/10

RSU first floor 

Again, the RSU is just amazing. The stalls actually reach the floor and are at a height that nobody besides Shaquille O’Neal can peek over. They are kept clean throughout the day and have a full-body mirror as well, so I can check if my outfits are looking fresh or not. The sink is wide, so I’m not bumping shoulders when washing my hands, which is always a plus. The only downside is the high traffic due to its central location. Other than that, I rate these restrooms an 8.5/10

Library 

I’m sort of cheating by including the entire building, but the library is a special case. During my freshman year, I would’ve put it closer to first or second place. But as the years go on, I think my horizons have expanded. These restrooms are very hit-or-miss. The stalls could be better, and they often aren’t the cleanest. Despite this, the third story is home to some grade-A stalls that really put the library on its back. 8/10

Business building

Whoa, I’m cheating back-to-back by including another entire building, but in this case, it really does vary. If you love privacy while using the restroom, this building has that. There are five floors, and the higher you go, the higher the chance you’ll have the restroom to yourself. Due to the amount of privacy you get in this building, I’m giving it a 7.5/10

Bottom 5 

 University Student Union basement 

These restrooms feel like the RSU restrooms’ useless older brother that had potential but just didn’t put in enough effort. The lighting is great, the colors are pleasant, but man, the stalls suck. It’s cramped, and my shins feel exposed because the door is high off the ground. This restroom has so much potential, but it just falls flat. I’m rating it a 4/10 because I know it could do better.

Conley Art Building

I really wanted to like these restrooms. The second I walked in, I knew I was in for a treat, though. It was an absolute mess. I usually don’t really mind that since I just need to find one clean stall, but it was significantly harder than I imagined. Once I finally sat down to do my business, I realized that there was no A/C or even good air circulation. I was sweating from the heat and felt dirty. It was not a pleasant experience. Maybe I’ll give it another chance down the line, but for now, I’ll pass. 3.5/10

 Science I first floor

There are two things I hate about restrooms: tiny stall doors and bad lighting. This had both of them sadly. To add to the rough aesthetic is the floor. As a society, I think we need to move past the fluorescent lighting with the tiny square tile floors. It doesn’t look good and never did. This restroom is a 3/10

 Speech Arts hallway

I know this restroom very well. Not to get it confused with the restroom next to the theater, the one I’m talking about is located right next to The Collegian office in a tucked-away hall. If that restroom wasn’t near the office, I would never visit it. The stalls are cramped, the lighting is an awful yellow and there is only one tiny sink. Not to mention that the toilet paper dispenser is broken half the time, so I have to use my shoulder to hoist it up or let it dangle off the stall. 2/10, I only use it for convenience. 

  Industrial Tech hallway

Imagine all the negative things I’ve said about all the other restrooms rolled up into one. It feels icky in there. The toilets clog often, and the floor feels like a minefield of bacteria and unknown fluids. In the summer, the sun beams through the windows, creating a sauna while I’m fighting for my life in the stalls. The room echoes with every cough and toot let out, which is just an awful feeling. This restroom is an experience I wish upon no man. ZERO/10