Holidays can be a vulnerable time for people who struggle with toxic family dynamics in their life or grieving loved ones.

However, I want you to know that you’re not alone in this process. 

Coming from a broken home, I know I look around and compare my life to my friends’ holiday experiences. 

Whether it be the pumpkin patch or passing out candy during Halloween, I wonder why my family never did that. 

During Thanksgiving, family members get together for a big meal. Everyone seems so content to be in each other’s company, yet I felt like I was dying inside.

And let’s not forget about the Christmas traditions of picking the perfect tree, wrapping and opening presents with the family and those stockings.

I used to ask myself why I never experienced holiday traditions in ways other people around me did or why my grandpa had to pass away on Christmas. I used to ask why I had to feel this sadness and loneliness during the holidays when I just wanted to feel love and joy. 

However, now I realize that holiday traditions are not about how close your family is. They are about how you make your own traditions.

In order to love the holidays, you must reclaim them and start your own traditions. 

Instead of asking why, ask how you can start to love holidays and what you want the people around you to remember about you during times of peace and joy.

I used to be a willful grinch because I spent my teenage years feeling alone and out of place during the holidays.

The ruminating is not an effective way for you to feel at peace during the holidays. The ruminating keeps you in a cycle that makes you feel that holidays should be spent comparing your life to others.

My advice to you is to accept those invitations from people around you during the holidays. Accept that it is OK to spend holidays with friends if family is not an option for you.

I remember the idea of Thanksgiving used to trigger me. So instead, I put together a “Friendsgiving” with the people closest to me in my life. 

It was in that moment that I realized I could start to love the holidays with baby steps.

During Christmas, instead of being upset about the traditions and presents, you can spend less time ruminating and spend time donating presents to children who are not fortunate enough to have gifts.

Nothing healed my heart more than giving back to a little girl last year who cried after I gave her a coloring book set. It took me back to how I would have felt as a young girl — upset during the holidays — if someone had done the same simple act of kindness.

Another important part of holiday blues is taking care of yourself in between the process by making time for self-care. 

Whether your self-care is curled up in bed watching movies and drinking tea or getting a relaxing massage, it is important that you are taking care of yourself during the next few months when difficult emotions may arise.

You are never alone, and it is OK to feel sad and miss your loved ones during the next couple months. 

Use this time to reach out and connect with others. Isolation feels like the answer, but I promise you, when I stopped being upset over what I could not change, I rebuilt the pain of what I wished to fix. You too can do the same.