AMERICANS DON̢۪T VOTE FOR candidates. Americans vote against candidates.

Unfortunately, the news media has reported little of this cynicism. Instead, headlines are awash with the idea that, for once, Americans might have something positive to look forward to this Election Day. A candidate they̢۪re excited about.

History proves the networks wrong. Our post-Watergate age of high scandal and reality television has no place for optimism. We have no business cashing in the idea that a vote really makes that much of a difference, or that it could do anything but slow our country̢۪s inevitable spiral to oblivion.

As such, I thought I’d do my readers the service of ranking the candidates in terms of how little you could trust them. Policy has no place in this ranking — only how not-respectable they are, and how dishonest.

I watch “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.â€Â That said, it should come as no surprise that the Republican Sleaze-o-meter comes first.

1. Mitt Romney. There really isn̢۪t any other way to characterize Romney as anything but a sleaze, someone who̢۪d sell his grandmother for a nickel. He̢۪d then invest his nickel in his own campaign, like the near-billion nickels preceding it.

More troubling is his tendency to switch sides on core Republican issues — abortion, for example — when it suits his campaign. Archive footage of his Massachusetts gubernatorial race might as well be of Rudy Giuliani.

He understands what̢۪s really important, though. His hair still looks fabulous.

2. Rudy Giuliani. If you listen to him talk and actually believe what he says, ignoring his attorney-at-law mannerisms and frankly uncharismatic delivery, Giuliani has little that̢۪s distinguishably Republican. Well, except for his attorney-at-law mannerisms and his frankly uncharismatic delivery.

Giuliani is the undisputed leader of distorting his record and those of his opponents, just to get them flustered and on the defensive. Flustered and defensive candidates, he must reason, lose support. That can only help him.

It really doesn̢۪t help that he acts, looks, talks and philanders like a lawyer. Sleaze.

3. John McCain. Switching sides is nothing new to McCain, whose record on immigration — whatever your position — isn’t quite what he says he supports now. He’s been known for a moment or two of “political cowardice,â€Â as he put it.

On other issues — the Iraq War troop “surge,â€Â for one — he’s stayed remarkably adamant and stable. Of the current electable Republican candidates, readers would be well-advised to vote on behalf of McCain come Feb. 5. It’s a vote that counts twice — against Romney and against Giuliani.

4. Mike Huckabee. The Huckster is a dangerous political candidate for his own reasons, but flipping around isn̢۪t one of them. Sure, he̢۪ll distort his own political history as an Arkansas governor, but he̢۪s done well to present his amiable jokester side in tandem with his evangelical ideologue side.

Unfortunately, that̢۪s about as deep as the Huckster gets. He̢۪d rank even lower on the sleaze-o-meter if he had all that much of a voting record to flip against.

5. Ron Paul. McCain is said to have once called this 10-term Texas congressman “the most honest man in Congress.â€Â That’s according to the Paul campaign’s Web site.

If you̢۪re voting on integrity, vote Paul. Of course, that also means you̢۪re voting for the gold standard and the freest free-market economy Ayn Rand ever dreamed of. For most modern Republicans, adding in his largely isolationist, anti-Iraq-War foreign policy is just the icing of a poisoned cake.

Pragmatic Republicans should avoid Huckabee and Paul, as supporting those campaigns indirectly supports Romney̢۪s and Giuliani̢۪s campaigns. That̢۪s the reason McCain stands the best shot of winning the nomination. Clear-thinking Republicans know the threat Romney and Giuliani pose.

Voting against them is the only vote that makes sense.

Democratic candidates will follow in the Monday, Feb. 4 edition of The Collegian.