Songs define us. What we listen to affects who we are as people, and influences how we are percived by others. And what do I want people to think I am?

A macho man.

But if I listen to that song — or many other supposed masculine anthems, for that matter — I don’t quite get the reaction I want. They think I’m trying too hard, that I’m compensating.

Compensating for what, I have no idea. If you can puzzle this one out, let me know. That’s what the comments are for.

But I knew I had to search my entire music library for the songs that really make me feel like a man among men. The songs that really make everyone else think I’m a man who is manly in his manliness.

I found the right songs, songs best played in quick succession with the windows down and the volume up.

I’m Too Sexy
The only song by Right Said Fred that made any sort of impact in popular culture, it’s the perfect song to start off my playlist. Just makes me want to do a little turn on the catwalk. Yeah. On the catwalk.

Billie Jean
She’s not my lover, she’s not your lover. Probably not Michael’s lover either, and that’s why she’s definitely on this playlist. Manliness is all about solidarity in the face of emasculating dangers. You know, paternity tests.

Like A Virgin
Madonna sings to us, men of the world. This love letter to potency and raw masculinity deserves a spot on the playlist. The guys from Reservoir Dogs had a theory about this song, but I can’t quite remember what it was. We men more comfortable in their identity might even sing along.

Barbie Girl
Men, of course, sing along with Ken in Aqua’s only real U.S. hit besides “Candyman.” What, after all, is more empowering than telling Barbie, the idealized woman and love of our life, to c’mon and go party? This really is a loving, celibate relationship. Schlessinger would be proud.

Valley Girl
Nothing is quite as frustrating and confusing to us men as teenage girls — be they sisters or daughters. We men vent our frustration with this classic Zappa chart.

Sweet Transvestite
Renowned as the second-best song in the whole of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Composer Richard O’Brien saved the best one — Time Warp — for himself, but that’s not to say that man among men Tim Curry doesn’t do an admirable job belting out his transsexual striptease.

My Humps
Who doesn’t like meeting girls down at the disco? Real men do, and the Black Eyed Peas know it. That’s also why I’m including this one in the mix. Besides, the surreal — “so real” — last minute-and-a-half is a perfect segue into our next song.

Since U Been Gone
This song might bring back a manly tear to a manly eye — after all, what is more manly than woeful responsibility and taking Kelly Clarkson’s jabs in stride? It’s in the mix only because lesser men — lacking manliness — would break their composure.

Show Me
Showtunes really get my heterosexual male blood coursing, and who could be mad at a song like the one My Fair Lady’s beau sings to her? Well, besides her.

I’ll Make a Man Out of You
From Mulan, this is quite possibly the manliest Disney song ever. The title almost says it all — “You must be swift as the coursing river/With all the force of the great typhoon.” The only unmanly thing about this tune that the lead vocals are just Donny Osmond.

I’m Not That Girl
The second show tune on our list, this one from Wicked, the future Witch of the West insists that she’s not that girl. Neither are we, men.

I Will Survive
This song deserves to be on the manly list because it… you know what? It’s just not worth pretending anymore. These songs are about as far from manly as Richard Simmons. This is really just a fun song to sing along to. While nu-rock band Cake‘s cover is even better — it drops the F-bomb — Gloria Gaynor’s version is much more singable.

Hit the Road Jack
There’s no way the original Ray Charles recording puts hair on your face, however immortalized it was in his biopic.

We Are Family
There’s something about the only good Sister Sledge chart that just fits with the rest of this playlist. It’s probably the soulful R&B vocals, the message of unity, the solidarity in the face of adversity — more overtly, the use of the phrase “all my sisters and me” in the chorus.

Lady Marmalade
The Moulin Rouge version of this song transported the noodle-voiced sopranos to the Parisian red-light district from the New Orleans one, and introduced a whole generation of children to hybrid rap-R&B songs with subversive lyrics about prostitution’s joys.

It’s Raining Men
Hallelujah, Weather Girls.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I prefer the Blues Brothers cover of Aretha Franklin’s biggest hit. Elwood just ain’t no good.

Perhaps this isn’t quite the playlist of ultimate manliness, but it’s at least a good one — one you can burn onto a CD and plop in your car’s stereo when relative strangers are in the car, all just to break the ice. I mean, well, that’s what I do with it.

Then again, maybe this really will put hair on your chest.

There’s only one way to find out.