SO, I HAVE an idea, and I think it just may make me a rich man.

Imagine a large briefcase, with the dimensions 14 inches by 12 inches by 10 inches.

The outside of this apparatus will have smooth, rounded edges and will be made of hard plastic, while the inside will be outfitted with a layer first of foam, then of shag carpet.

The locking mechanism for the device will require a five-number combination — the added bit of security will make you feel much better about putting your baby inside.

It̢۪s a child-carrying case, much safer and more effective than those slings or bizarre strap devices you occasionally see on new mothers.

Oh, don̢۪t worry! So your precious ones can breathe, it̢۪ll have holes drilled in it.

No, of course not with the baby inside already!

Besides a means of transporting your kid, it will also serve as a kind of living quarters, a place to keep your child when you̢۪re not able to keep an eye on him or her.

It will come with an optional window so you̢۪ll be able to set the whole thing down in front of the television and feel free to step outside for a drink, or to catch a movie, or pretty much whatever.

I haven̢۪t quite decided on a way of pumping water inside, though I imagine it̢۪ll end up being something similar to the sort of squeezable water bottle you would find inside a rabbit cage.

It should probably have a kind of sliding tray for food too — the sort of thing you see at convenience stores after 10 p.m., or in the visiting rooms of prisons — though I imagine that it too will require a kind of locking device.

We don’t even necessarily need to let the kids out for school, either — just drop your kid’s (or kids’) box off at the classroom.

I suppose a problem begins to emerge when we consider what these children might do for lunch, but I̢۪m sure they can stay entertained by playing charades. In any case, it will keep them from having sex during shop class.

Just as important as keeping your kids in one place is keeping other things — things you don’t want your child exposed to — out of the box.

You may have heard a story from Texas last week about an uncle giving his two young nephews a taste of the ganja. Now the family is worried they may never see the two boys again.

The uncle was supposed to have been watching the boys.

But suppose the family had purchased these devices — I imagine the uncle would’ve been given the code for the hypothetical “sliding tray,� just in case the boys got the real “munchies.�

Could this device have kept them safe?

The answer is yes! Each of these bad boys will come equipped with a smoke alarm on the interior of the box and an air purifier near the venting system.

The alarm would̢۪ve gone off once the uncle tried to slide that joint in, thereby enabling the mother to run in and rescue her kids from early exposure to drugs.

I realize that sometimes there are situations where you feel your kids should be safe even from family members that you trust.
“Now you stab mommy,� Fermin Rodriguez of Connecticut reportedly told his 2-year-old son — as if he needed the help. A day later
and a couple of Great Lakes over, Eric Johnson flew himself and his daughter into his former mother-in-law̢۪s house.

The box I am proposing will also come equipped with a lockdown device to prevent fathers from using their children as weapons.

We need to invest in these developments or otherwise face the alternative — loving our children.

And screw that.