Let's get it on – debating the morality of premartial sex

By Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,
I would like to comment on your response to “Administrator at Indiana University” when you said you don’t believe that premarital sex is immoral or a crime. I tell you that it is a “crime” against the woman herself and against the man she will someday marry. Why? Because our brains are wired so that we remember our past sexual exploits, even if we try to forget them. So when a man and a woman marry, if they have had other sexual partners, all those past sexual experiences will surface during their lovemaking, over and over again. They will never really be alone with each other. They will compare the one they married with past partners. Anger and jealousy will enter in. I know that to be true because I have been married 50 years to my husband and we were both virgins on our wedding night. We had no comparisons to make, no past ghosts in our room.
Not Criminal

Dear Not Criminal,
With all due respect, without experiencing it, how can you be so sure? What’s true for some might not be for all. The next response is proof of that. Please continue reading.

Dear Harlan,
I would like to respond to the administrator from Indiana University who said “Premarital sex ... always and without exception, ends up hurting the young people who engage in it.” I am living proof that premarital sex DOES NOT always hurt the people who engage in it. I had sex with several men and do NOT feel it hurt me in any way. I am bright, college-educated, successful, happily married for 11 years and never had any sexually transmitted diseases. I DO believe it is not right for everyone and respect the opinion of those who choose to wait until married. But I find Administrator’s opinion to be archaic, close-minded and untrue. I am also surprised to find someone in such a (reported) position to be so out of step with the times.
Successful Ohio State Graduate

Dear Successful Graduate,
And still, the administrator and other abstinence-only proponents (like the previous writer) would say that you’re damaged, immoral and wrong.

Dear Harlan:
About that administrator -— I was 16 when my boyfriend and I first started talking about having sex. We agreed to wait. But a year later, we knew that although we weren’t ready to get married, we were completely committed to each other and ready to open the issue again. After discussing the potential risks and what we would do to protect ourselves, we decided to begin having sex. This continued for another six years, until we were financially and emotionally ready to be married. We have been happily married 15 years now. I know engaging in premarital sex has hurt a lot of people, many of them my friends. But for those who do as you suggest — get to know each other first, discuss the issues and think it through beforehand instead of letting it happen in the heat of the moment — it can be much better than just “not wrong.”
Been There

Dear Been There,
Instead of abstinence only, I call this SLOW, SOBER and SAFER. Yes, I know the SAFEST approach is NOT having sex, but for those who don’t want to wait, SLOW, SOBER and SAFER is the way to go. It worked for you (although most teenagers do not go on to marry their first partner).

Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

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