Past abortion comes bak to haunt girl's new relationship

By Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for more than three years now. I love him very much, and we are planning on getting married within the next year. Our relationship is great, except for one thing. He seems to resent me for a mistake I made many years before I met him. He resents the fact that I got pregnant and had an abortion in a previous relationship. He is very touchy about this subject matter. We have talked about it at length, and each time we talk things through, he feels better about it. But every couple of months it seems to come back and bother him. He has a fear that I am damaged goods. And he says that knowing about my sexual history in general doesn’t bother him, but knowing about the abortion is just too powerful and detailed for him to get over. I want to go into our marriage without any negativity. What can I do to help him get over this emotional and mental hurdle?
Resented in Minneapolis

Dear Resented,
He doesn’t have to agree with your past. You don’t need to seek his forgiveness. Neither of you need to abandon your fundamental beliefs. You need only to respect each other’s differences. You seem willing to accept him. If he’s not willing to reciprocate, urge him to talk to a spiritual leader (and not just one). One suggestion of framing this would be for him to forgive your past — even if you don’t feel the need to be forgiven — and use this experience to gain deeper insight into an issue he could have never have gained otherwise. Then, in the future, you two can make sure your values are aligned in terms of family planning as a couple. It all comes back to this: Until you can both respect each other’s right to choose or not choose, the best choice is to wait to get married.

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Dear Harlan,
This Wharton business-school graduate has a few ideas for “All Business,” the artsy girl who’s having trouble getting people to take her seriously while she’s getting her MBA. First, adjust your expectations. Think of your program as a language school, not a personal yardstick. There is frighteningly little intellectual content in a business program, so don’t take it so seriously. Secondly, don’t be so nice to those who put you down. Think of the cabdrivers of Paris, and treat nasty colleagues like insects on your windshield. Pick out one or two of the worst offenders and practice Game Theory on them: Be cooperative and helpful right up to the point where they really need you, and then give ‘em the shaft at the worst possible moment. When they respond with shock and horror, smile and say, “Never complain, never explain.” They’ll hate you for a while, but don’t worry. Hatred will turn to fear, and with the MBA crowd, fear equals respect.
Snyderdog of Seattle

Dear Snyderdog,
I disagree. The Game Theory has no winners. Compromising your own integrity and leading someone off a cliff isn’t to be admired or respected by neutral observers. Besides, revenge takes too much time and only feeds the beast. What insecure people want is to agitate and incite in order to disguise their weaknesses. Instead of playing their game and answering their challenge, spotlighting their weaknesses, not allowing oneself to be affected, and not playing their game is winning.
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Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author.

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