Ponder before contacting a high school love you dumped

By Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,
I dumped my ex-girlfriend almost three years ago in December. We were together for four years; we started dating my senior year in high school. She was not honest about her feelings for me. I found out that she was lying when I (out of anger) guessed the password to her e-mail. Her dad was/is controlling of her in very big way (she lives with her mom and dad). After I dumped her, I said a lot of things that were not nice. I demanded a meeting and then never met her because I was afraid that her dad would try to fight me when we met. Do I dare send her a letter in the mail or call her on the phone to see how she is doing?
“Kevin”

Dear Kevin,
Considering that her dad wanted to beat you up, it’s safe to assume there’s some bad history here. It’s also safe to assume that calling might ruin another holiday season. I’m not blaming you for the past, but contacting her means opening up old wounds or getting wounded (by her dad). My question: What’s the point of getting back in touch with her? To get back together? To apologize? To force her to apologize? An apology to her and her family is all I can see. I know she owes you an apology, but that’s for her to offer. A gift basket with a note (or just a holiday card) could be a classy way to say you haven’t forgotten and still care.

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Dear Harlan,
For about two and a half months I’ve been feeling particularly low. I often end up locked in my bathroom crying. I feel so helpless and sad. My friends tell me that being happy is a choice, but I don’t believe I can get rid of these intense emotional pains. When I first began feeling this way, I lost my appetite and lost 10 pounds. I’ve always had low self-esteem, but now I feel as though I might never get a date — ever. This has been happening frequently (at least once a week); I’ll wait until everyone in the house is gone, and I will then lock myself away and begin crying for periods of sometimes 30 minutes. I’ve become so miserable that I have even been cutting my arms with scissors. I’ve only done this once, but I’m afraid I might end up injuring myself more. I’ve also attempted suicide on more than one occasion, usually by trying to stop breathing, but I often give up before I actually succeed. I’ve thought about poisoning myself, but have never followed through. I’ve told my mom — some of it, but not the whole truth, not enough for her to truly know what’s going on. Please help me.
Helpless

Dear Helpless,
Telling someone who’s suffering from depression to choose to be happy is like telling someone who can’t use his or her legs to choose to walk. It’s not a choice, but yet, your friends tell you to choose to be happy. They don’t get that simply breathing is an effort. I get so many letters from many people in similar places -- I get it. How about this? Instead of having your mom find out THE WHOLE TRUTH after something tragic happens, tell her EVERYTHING now. With treatment and professional help, hope can return. Check out the site www.halfofus.com and keep the hotline 800-273-TALK close by next time you think of hurting yourself. Please get help.

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Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.

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