Saddam hanging to be a spectacle

THERE’S GOING TO be a new kind of Christmas special if an Iraqi religious minority and the prime minister have their way.

Unless you view world politics with the same disdain and apathy with which you view national politics, you’ve heard that Saddam Hussein, bold benefactor of Kurd slaughter, will be executed by hanging.

Of the second-hand analysis I’ve heard, most of it from my War Journalism class, some analysts commented that Iraqi legal proceedings took a page out of American courtrooms.

Saddam was found guilty of a mere 148 murders in a single village, though he was very likely guilty of a whole lot more, as the tried-and-true American way to only press one death sentence charge; that’s the only one you need.

The news of imminent execution was shortly followed by widespread Shia insistence that the execution be televised and a televised interview of Iraq Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki saying he wants the hanging by the year’s end.

If the Iraqi broadcast media follows the example set by the Iraqi tribunal, they’ll take a page out of the American way of doing things.

Break out the popcorn; we’re going to have an event worthy of everyone’s viewing pleasure.

Every second of the must-see television event of the season will be a live international broadcast sure to win the hearts and minds of countless individuals.

From the moment that the noose goes around his neck to the inevitable final spasms, Hussein will get what he deserves.

Massive betting pools in Vegas will give odds on Hussein’s last words.

The odds will favor former Iraqi national motto “God is great” at a 5-to-9, while longer shots like “Iran is also great” and “God bless George Bush” will still get a good amount of ironic attention.

The likelihood of what hanging technique to use will be under contention, but a quick Wikipedia run reveals the “long rope” as the frontrunner.

As dramatic as it would be to see Hussein emulate the spaghetti westerns in his hanging, perhaps dressed in a bandito costume, I think we should save him some dignity.

I say we use the long rope, but let’s make it something to remember: a bungee cord noose tied around his neck and suspended over a 120-foot cliff.

Did I say cliff?

I meant to say we tie the other end of the bungee noose to an AH-64 Apache helicopter, hovering in the air quite safely at 1,000 feet above ground.

Within minutes of the broadcast, hard-rock techno remixes featuring the final death throes will appear on YouTube, and the next Daily Show broadcast will know exactly what to use as its moment of Zen.

Most importantly, the execution of Hussein will solve all of the problems the United States has in Iraq.
Hordes of Iraqi insurgents will throw down their arms and declare their desire for peace and love of the American military.

This unanimous cry will strike as soon as the announcement goes out that Hussein is dead, proving once and for all that the tyrant regime was the only issue in Iraq we needed to worry about as we entered the fray.

The Iraqi tribunal was to represent the closing of Iraq’s dependence on American support, and the execution should represent the end of our involvement.

The tribunal’s dependence on our ways of conducting such business means nothing.

Personally, I look forward to seeing him die. It’s been a while since the last decent hanging.

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