Successfully supporting others means supporting yourself too

By Harlan Cohen
Syndicated columnist

Dear Harlan,
I have been through a few depressing things lately. The most traumatic would be a close friend of mine passing away due to complications from a spreading cancer. I’ve also learned that another close friend of mine is diagnosed with a harsh form of cancer, and the current woman in my life has had to get a biopsy in the past week to determine whether or not she has the beginnings of a cancerous growth. I am trying to do my best to be strong and supportive, but I fear it’s not enough, and often times it takes all I have to keep from breaking down. I am usually open to people close to me; however, since those closest to me are the very people I have to be strong for, I am finding it hard to share how sad I feel. It’s becoming more and more difficult to remain “functional,” and now is the time I have to be and do more than I have been. Any advice to impart?
Depressed Friend

Dear Depressed Friend,
So, how are YOU doing? I imagine not a lot of people ask you. A lot of “strong” people forget that they need to have people around them to lean on and help carry the emotional load. Otherwise, even the strongest friend will collapse over time. You, as a caregiver, need support. When it comes to cancer support, there is an amazing network available for the caregivers of the world. The best place to start is with the American Cancer Society. Call the ACS at 800-ACS-2345 (24 hours a day) and speak to a cancer-resource expert to inquire about care-provider support. Also, visit www.cancer.org. Once on its site, enter your Zip code, look for the “Local Resources” heading, check the box for “Support Groups,” and find a local group offering caregiver support. In addition to locating meetings, you’ll find bulletin boards and other resources. Lean on people who can support you while you support those who lean on you.

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Dear Harlan,
I have a really good friend who I always had a little bit of a crush on in high school. At the end of last year I realized that I still do. The thing is, after we graduated high school, he moved out to California. Some of my friends have told me that I should tell him how I feel, but I’m not sure if it even matters. I feel like it’s a dead-end situation because even if he does feel the same way about me, he’s across the country, and we would probably be right where we are now, and I would be risking that he doesn’t feel the same way for nothing because the situation wouldn’t change. What would you do?
Old Crush

Dear Old Crush,
What kind of friend would you be if you didn’t give a friend a chance to be with you? A bad one. If I were in your situation, I’d stop lying to myself and convincing myself that I was better off saying nothing. The only thing you’re protecting yourself from is what will happen next. If you know you’re beautiful and attractive, regardless of his reaction, you’ll be able to handle what comes next. What I could NEVER handle is NEVER knowing if there could be more, NEVER knowing if we could make it work and NEVER knowing if I missed out on a chance of a lifetime. But that’s just me.

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Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.

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