Parents - don't get rule-happy when adult kids come home

By Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,
My only son recently left for college. We have a great relationship. He will be home for Christmas, and I feel that when he comes home he will be a different person. He will have grown and experienced many things. As much as I want to be part of his life, he will have his own. What can I expect and what are some of the best ways for us to share time when he’ll be home.
Mom K

Dear Mom K,
It’s a fact that about half of all college freshmen get homesick (according the Higher Education Research Institute). If your son is one of them, the cure is doing what he used to do at home. If he’s not one, he’ll still want to do what you used to do. Whatever you do together, the idea that you’ve accepted change and respect him as an adult will keep things from changing for the worse. It sounds so simple, but a lot of parents can’t or won’t do it. They fight change, alienate their kids and make visits home miserable. Take setting a curfew, for example: A kid coming home from college earns the right to having his curfew discussed. If the adult child doesn’t like the curfew, a parent owes that child an explanation (out of respect). Upon hearing “Mom can’t sleep at night until she hears you come home,” the child understands that it’s not a trust issue, but a mom’s sleep issue. A parent who respects, acknowledges and accepts change can expect things to change for the better -- the rest can expect short visits and change for the worse.

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Dear Harlan,
I am a 23-year-old girl doing my graduate studies. I have a boyfriend; we’ve known each other for more than six years now. I know I see my future with him only, but the problem is my family. They don’t know about him, and if they come to know him, then for sure they won’t accept him. If I get married to him, they will boycott me from the family and cut all relationships with me. I love my family, but at the same time I can’t imagine my life without him. The pressure is building on me, and it’s driving me crazy. My boyfriend is trying his level best to help me, and I know he is doing everything he can. I know he will approach my family as soon as he gets settled careerwise (which he will in two years). At this point, I feel like the most selfish girl on this earth. This pressure is affecting my studies. What do I do, and how do I do it?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
When a secret causes this much pain, you’re better off not keeping it a secret. Being honest will allow you to see what comes next. If you can’t find the words, find a spiritual leader or relative for guidance. The longer you keep this a secret, the longer your family will not have the opportunity to get to know your boyfriend. The longer they don’t know him, the longer it will take you to figure out if this thing can even work. Whatever happens next, make sure you have a strong support system outside of your family, and make this a VERY long engagement. Only time and the truth will reveal if this can work.

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Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.

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