Too-nice girlfriend should learn to say “no” to pushy people

By Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,
My girlfriend is too nice. I’m a senior in college, and she’s a sophomore. Maybe it’s because of our age difference, but I feel like her niceness is bordering on stupidity. She gets taken advantage of all the time by other people. It seems like she has no free will or dignity because just now she blew off our weekend date in an incomprehensible series of events. She was going out to dinner with a friend, but the friend delayed the dinner from 6:30 to 7, and then again from 7 to 7:45, then finally from 7:45 to 9. And every time the friend rescheduled, my girlfriend was like “OK,” without thinking (so she says). I’ve already told her that she’s way too nice, and she acknowledges that it’s “bad,” but she doesn’t do anything about it. Of course, this isn’t all that important right now, but if we end up being together for a long time, I know it will bother me, and one day her niceness is going to screw up something with more serious consequences than missing a date. My girlfriend is a doormat. I feel like if I don’t do something about it, she’ll pay for it sooner or later because she’s always conceding and yielding. What should I do?
Not as Nice Boyfriend

Dear Not as Nice,
Basically, you’ve called your girlfriend a stupid doormat who will screw everything up. That’s not nice. But this isn’t about nice, it’s about respect. Not only do her friends not respect her, her own boyfriend doesn’t. While she thinks she’s being kind and flexible, she’s being pushed around and manipulated. Not setting boundaries might get people to like her, but it won’t get people to respect her. Point this out -- NOT because she’s going to screw everything up for YOU, but because you’re afraid that she’s being taken advantage of and it’s spilling into your relationship. Encourage her to set boundaries not to get people to like her, but to get people to respect her. If she can’t do this, don’t date her. The last thing she needs is a boyfriend who doesn’t respect her.

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Dear Harlan,
In the letter from “Working,” she describes her husband’s relationship with pornography as a “problem.” A real “Christian with rather strict moral convictions” would take her wedding vows more seriously. What part of “in sickness and in health ... until death do us part” does Working not understand? If it is that -- a sickness -- surely she believes it is a sickness in the same vein as alcoholism. Working owes it to herself to work with her husband on this, and not treat him like a child by locking him out of the computer. Porn, just like alcohol, is everywhere. If he is to overcome this “problem,” the root cause needs to be addressed.
Brian in Minneapolis

Dear Brian in Minneapolis,
I respectfully disagree.
If someone is physically abusive because of a sickness like alcoholism, a partner (and the family) shouldn’t be expected to absorb the abuse because of wedding vows. Similarly, if someone feels that he or she is being emotionally abused or at risk because of pornography or a sex addiction, that person shouldn’t be expected to quietly take it in the name of wedding vows. Loving, respecting and honoring a partner (also part of the wedding vows) doesn’t mean tolerating physical and/or emotional abuse. Of course, “Working” and anyone else with an abusive partner should consult his or her spiritual leader for guidance.

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Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com.

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