Rape survivor should reach out to community of survivors

By Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,
I’m not really sure how to say any of this, but I was raped by two guys in October of 2005 and have just recently told a friend about it. I feel like she is now mad at me. I have nightmares about this every night because it was so violent. I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done differently. I just wish that I would have been killed, because I can’t seem to get past this. I tried to talk to my friend, and it always seems like she doesn’t want to hear it. I can understand in a way, but in another way, if it were her I would totally be there, no matter what. Anyway, I keep calling the RAINN hotline and hanging up because I am scared. I don’t know what to say. I feel so stupid and ashamed. I don’t know what to do.
J

Dear J,
You are a survivor. YOU have NOTHING to feel ashamed or stupid about. The guys who raped you carry ALL THE SHAME and stupidity. They should be scared, confused, upset, and every other emotion you’ve felt in the past months. Anyone who says otherwise is someone you should avoid. I mean it. They are totally wrong. There is a community of survivors and experts who can help you put the shame back where it belongs: with the men who raped you. I can’t even begin to understand the pain and confusion you must feel, but the people who will help you know it (many are survivors). Allow them to help you move forward and to move beyond this nightmare. Make the call to RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE). Write down what you want to say. When a counselor answers, read it. If you can’t read, just cry, BUT don’t hang up. When you catch your breath, stay on the line. Then begin speaking and begin the healing.

* * *

Dear Harlan,
I am a junior in high school and have a great group of friends. I just found out that one of my closer friends goes out to drink every few weeks or so. I don’t have a huge issue with this, because I know she’s responsible and handles herself well, even though I would never do the same thing. However, it was mentioned offhand. I don’t know whether it was meant that she gets completely wasted or just buzzed. If she is getting wasted every other weekend, I’d be seriously worried and definitely would interfere. My dilemma is this: How should I go about asking or making sure without sounding like her mother? Should I even ask, since it’s not my business?
Friend Who Parties

Dear Friend,
The moment she brought it up, it became your business. As long as you don’t punish her or threaten to ground her, I wouldn’t worry about acting motherly. Find out what she’s doing, when she’s doing it, where she’s doing it, with whom she’s doing it and why she’s doing it. Do it because you’re curious (I mean, you are). If you’re shocked, surprised or concerned, then act shocked, surprised and concerned. You don’t have to hide your feelings. If you’re afraid she’s going to get hurt, protect her. Just don’t tiptoe around this. She said something because she wanted you to know. So, after finding out details, let her know how you feel. If you think she’s at risk, interfere.

* * *

Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.

Comment on this story in the Features forum >>