Woman with herpes shares script for baring the naked truth

By Harlan Cohen
Syndicated Columnist

Dear Harlan,
The letter from “Shocked With Herpes” took me back 30 years, to when I got my herpes diagnosis. I thought I must have become the modern version of “Typhoid Mary.” Who would ever want to be with me? I was depressed for a long time, because I knew I would have to notify prospective partners in advance of sexual activity. I did NOT want to do to others what had been done to me.

How to let them know? Over the past 30 years I have experimented with what words to use and when to present the situation. I think I’ve gotten it right, because I have had many wonderful sexual relationships during this period of time. Sex on the first date or two is OUT because (among other things) the “discussion” has to happen before anybody gets prone. It also has to occur with enough time for the guy to really think about what I have said. If he has questions, I answer them. If he decides to go ahead, then I know he’s been sober and has considered it. Through the years, only one or two prospects decided not to proceed with the relationship. This is what I say:

“It looks like this relationship might be headed toward the bedroom one of these days, and there’s something I wanted to discuss with you ahead of time. Is this a good time to have a chat? I carry the [genital] herpes virus. I have carried it for over 30 years, and to my knowledge I have never given it to ANY of my partners. (I wait for that to sink in.) My episodes are such that I can usually tell when they are about to happen. When I get certain redness or tingling, that means NO SEX until well after the symptoms are gone. By being super-attentive, I believe that this contributes to the lack of transmission in my case. That doesn’t mean we couldn’t still have snuggles, closeness and other types of sexual enjoyment during this time (big grin!). To be fair, there may always be a chance of transmitting the virus without my having symptoms, but, so far my method of dealing with this has not resulted in anybody getting it from me for the past 30 years.” (Then I wait for questions.) I have found that one can be honest and upfront and that having herpes isn’t the end of life as we know it. It just changes it a little.
Older and Wiser

Dear Older and Wiser,
This is the perfect response. I should also include that, for someone to use the script you provided, the person must be comfortable with his or her diagnosis — getting comfortable takes time and a loving support system.
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Dear Harlan,
My husband gave herpes to me before we were married. It happened while he was using a condom. The condom came off in the middle of intercourse during an outbreak. Bottom line: If you or your partner is in an active period, refrain from all sexual activity. It will pass in a few days, especially if you are under a doctor’s care. There are wonderful prescription drugs that work quickly to alleviate the miserable symptoms.
Living With Herpes

Dear Living With Herpes,
And yet you still married him! I’m not making a joke, just emphasizing that herpes isn’t the end of life with someone. It can be the beginning. NOTE: Herpes can be spread through viral shedding, as well as during an active outbreak.
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Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.

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