The key to eternal bliss: apathy

I HAVE A DREADFUL confession to make. It’s hard to write a weekly column.

I mean, who really has the time to keep up with all the politics and international affairs going on every week?

Between a full load of upper-division units and the crazy nonsense called a “job” it’s difficult to come up with informed opinions about current events.

That’s not to say that I lack, as any good columnist shouldn’t, opinions. I can usually opine on virtually any subject for at least five minutes.

That’s not to say that I know anything about what I’m talking about. In fact, most of the time I don’t (as any good pundit shouldn’t).

But I can usually always opine, informed or not.

So as I was sitting down to write my column over the weekend (this column, by the way) I was momentarily struck with a bout of writer’s block.

What was particularly scary was this case of writer’s block was so bad I found myself unable to develop opinions on anything.

I quickly browsed the usual suspects for help.

CNN had nothing of interest — just the usual political wrangling. Surely I have an opinion on the Senate “compromise” bill that would give the president the power to torture virtually anyone he wants, as long as we make it look like that’s not what going on.

Yet I have none.

I similarly have no opinions on any major political developments of the past week.

The possibility of war in Iran? I have no idea.

The Time magazine story about how the United States lacks sufficient troops in Iraq? I don’t know, did anyone see “Survivor” last week?

It was at that moment that I had a stunning realization. I had discovered the key to real happiness. An inner peace swept over me.

For the first time, I no longer cared about current events.

The war in Iraq? What’s that? There’s a war?

The Geneva Conventions? Isn’t that a city? I think I have a friend who went there once.

Hugo Chavez? Is he on “Dancing with the Stars?”

Dear readers, I believe I have found the long-sought secret to pure happiness.

Like the old adage says, ignorance is bliss.

My newly discovered apathy has allowed me a great deal more free time that I spend in noble pursuits like playing pool and watching television.

I’ve also found a great deal more mental energy for important things like driving my car fast and shopping online.

My only fear is that as a history major my grades will suffer as a result of my new philosophy of life.

Yet even now I’m trying to forget most of what I’ve learned in college, and anything involving “politics” or “history” will be the first things to go.

Instead I’ll be intently studying the fashions we’ll be seeing next summer and why Nicole Kidman dissed Angelina Jolie last week in a newspaper interview.

I’ve long wondered why so many young people are politically apathetic. But now I wonder no more.

Apathy is just so much easier.

So my friends, let me humbly suggest that we join together in a new fellowship of ignorance and apathy.

If we know nothing, nothing can be said to upset us. Without convictions, how can our convictions be challenged?

The world is a much easier and more manageable place when we see it in black and white — which is why I’m immediately advocating that we adopt this approach.

As Election Day approaches, I want you all to join me in not paying attention to politics — and not going to the polls.

That alone will send a powerful message to our politicians that we don’t care about our own country’s future.

I invite you all to join me in my newfound bliss of ignorance and indifference.

Comment on this story in the Opinion forum >>