Be discreet when friend is unaware of embarrassing situation
By GREG MORAGO of The Hartford Courant
It's one of the most common but vexing dilemmas in our social culture.
It happens frequently, to some of the nicest (and most fastidious) people.
Yet in spite of its prevalence, we often are at a loss to remedy the situation.
After all, how do you tell someone they have a gnarly bit of gristle in
their teeth?
Or crud in their eye?
Or something visibly dangling from their nose?
Or a big gob of hair askew (hopefully not from a “There's Something
About Mary” episode).
Face it, there's just no good way to tell a friend, much less a stranger,
that a large zit on their face is distracting.
“Every single human being on the planet has had spinach on the teeth,
something creeping out of their nose, or toilet paper on their shoes,”
says Kristin Perrotta, deputy editor and beauty director of Allure magazine.
“That's why I think it's your obligation as a human being to point
it out. There's a good way, and there's a humiliating way.”
Ah, but there's the rub. Most of us don't care to learn the difference
because it's easier to walk away from Miss Lipstick on the Teeth and Mr.
Open Fly than to deal directly. Mother and father may have taught us how
to eat properly and to open doors for ladies, but they skirted the sticky
terrain of how to deal with an associate's bad breath or a friend's copious
nose hair. Why? Because nobody taught them either. Social etiquette skipped
the chapters on how to deal with someone sporting a blizzard of dandruff
on a navy blazer.
For a society that delights in practical jokes, embarrassing home videos
and no-secret-is-too-personal tell-alls, we suddenly become incapacitated
when it comes to informing a friend or co-worker about these embarrassing
personal matters.
“Most people aren't comfortable doing it,” says business etiquette
expert Lydia Ramsey, author of “Manners That Sell: Adding the Polish
That Builds Profits.” “But once you've done it several times
you realize that people appreciate it.”
Do they? Does anyone really want to be told they have drool on their chin?
“I think honesty is usually the best policy. But what you want to
avoid is cruel honesty,” says Lesley Carlin McElhattan, who along
with Honore McDonough Ervin constitute the Etiquette Grrls, authors of
“Things You Need to Be Told” and “More Things You Need
to Be Told.”
McElhattan says common sense should guide you. How well do you know the
person? Are you in a situation where something can be done about the problem?
If it's in the workplace, are you in a position of authority?
“We are hesitant about saying something because we're concerned
about insulting the other person by telling them. I think that's a very
valid concern,” says McElhattan, whose Etiquette Grrls Web site
(www.etiquettegrrls.com) traffics in these everyday social dilemmas. “I
think it's good that people are hesitant to say something because if you
don't know how to handle it, it can come out sounding harsher than it's
meant to be or misinterpreted.”
The key, she says, is “if it were you, would you want someone to
tell you?” In some cases, the answer is no.
“A zit on your nose? You pretty much know you have it, so you don't
need anyone to tell you. If it's something embarrassing about the appearance
that they can't do something about, then it's not worth the trouble,”
McElhattan says. “There are a lot of variables, sure. I don't mean
that you shouldn't tell someone, but there are other ways to do things
that are more subtle.”
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