A silent battle

By KRISSE MANSFIELD

The day begins with eight pills: five blue, one turquoise, one green and one cream.

Instead of fighting the allergies that come with living in the Central Valley, or the flu, Justin’s (name has been changed) eight pills fight full-blown AIDS.

Justin, a 23-year-old Fresno State student, discovered he had AIDS a little more than a year ago.

“I first went in to the health center at State because I had some kind of infection in my throat and tongue, which turned out to be thrush,” said Justin, who, at the time, worked as a student assistant on-campus. “I later found out that one of the only ways you can have that is if you’re HIV positive…It can be a major sign of infection.”

Justin was treated for the infection, commonly known as a yeast infection of the throat, only to end up back at the health center frequently for the next year. Although doctors at the health center blamed allergies for Henderson’s continuous health problems, numerous allergy tests came back negative.

Justin’s condition worsened. The next time Justin went to the health center, he was diagnosed with pneumonia.

“At the health center, they gave me the standard treatment. The rest of the weekend, I stayed at home, in bed, but it only got worse,” Justin said. “I was getting out of breath just walking to the bathroom, and I thought I was going to pass out.”

When Justin returned to the health center the following Monday for a check-up, he almost passed out walking into the building.

Once inside, he was given an oxygen mask and his blood-oxygen saturation was tested. “Normal saturation level is 98 to 100 percent,” Justin said. “Anything below 92 is serious. My saturation level was at 85 percent, which the doctors classified as respiratory failure.”

Justin was immediately admitted to St. Agnes Medical Center, where he underwent tests for numerous diseases.

“I didn’t really feel sick when I was in the hospital,” Justin said. “As long as I had the oxygen mask, I was OK.”

After a week in the hospital, doctors discovered the HIV virus, which had developed into AIDS.

“When I found out, my first reaction was ‘OK, how do I fix it?’ ” Justin said. “The doctors were worried because I was taking the news so well, acting like I just had a broken leg or a cold.”

After two more weeks in the hospital recovering from the pneumonia, Justin was released.

“The first thing I did was read everything I could about the disease,” Justin said. “I wanted to become a resource for people who needed it, and help myself at the same time.”

Having the disease has affected Justin not only personally, but academically as well.

He was forced to drop out of school for three consecutive semesters.

“Sometimes, it’s just the fact that the side effects of the medication are hard to deal with,” said Justin. “It’s hard to sit through a three hour class when you have diarrhea, or you have a rash.”

Justin credits his involvement in an on-campus organization for keeping him in school.

“For me, that organization is what kept me involved with school,” Justin said. “Even when I wasn’t able to go to classes, it was my way for keeping that connection. If I wasn’t in [the organization], I probably would have dropped out of school completely.”

Although Justin tries to have a normal life, he said the disease makes it difficult. “I decided when I first found out I had AIDS that I wasn’t going to let it run my life. I still do normal things. I want to graduate, I want to have a job, and I want to take vacations,” Justin said. “This has just become a part of my life that I have to deal with.”

Justin said the disease has made having personal relationships a more trying experience.

“I think at times I’m too ready for a relationship, because I don’t want to go through this alone,” Justin said. “My sexual life…I don’t have sex nearly as much as I used to because I’m scared. I never want anyone to have to go through what I’ve been through. Not Saddam, not Hitler. No one.”

Justin also said there are still stereotypes about the disease.

“People look at me, and I don’t look like someone who has AIDS, even though I’m gay,” Justin said.

“Sometimes, it makes it hard when you read things in the school paper talking about ‘AIDS is a state of mind; it’s not real’ and ‘gay people have AIDS because they deserve it.’ But you know what, straight people have sex without condoms, too. I made a mistake, I’ll admit it, and I have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I don’t need ignorant people making it worse for me.”

Although Justin tries to keep the effects of the disease on his personal life to a minimum, he admits than it’s more difficult that it seems.

“I am 23 years old, and there are things that I have to deal with that normal people wouldn’t even have to think about. I have a will, I have medical release forms,” Justin said. “I can’t be in large crowds because I can’t risk catching the flu. I can’t garden because of the chance of picking up Valley Fever.

But I’m not going to let it rule my life.”

Justin said seeing the AIDS Quilt at Fresno State was one of the most memorable days of his life.

“Seeing that quilt come through, and knowing that I have AIDS…It was weird,” Justin said. “I know that one day, a patch on that quilt will belong to me. And yes, that’s depressing. But you learn to appreciate everything in life, and I’m glad I learned that now instead of when it’s too late.”