Campaigns drag on to slow ending

By Jim Shea of The Hartford Courant

Let’s get it on.

Let’s get it over with.

Let’s vote.

Everybody for President Bush, raise your hand.

Everybody for Sen. Kerry, raise your hand.

Everybody for Ralph Nader, raise your hand.

I said everybody for Ralph Nader, raise your hand. Ralph Nader? Anybody?

Ralph, your hand isn’t up? You’re not voting for yourself? Any reason?

You’re still undecided.

OK, so while Ralph is making up his mind, why don’t we tally up the votes and see which candidate will be challenging the outcome in the courts.

Seriously, is there any point in dragging these campaigns out any longer? Bush supporters aren’t going to change their mind. Kerry supporters aren’t going to change their minds.

And as far as the “undecideds” go, let me just say this—we’re sick of you.

For a while there, we thought you people were those Mr. And Mrs. Civic types who, because you were motivated by a desire to make as informed and intelligent a decision as is humanly possible, spent every waking moment researching issues, asking questions and watching all the news-talk shows.

But then, over time, we started to suspect the real reason you couldn’t make up your mind was not because you were so conscientious, but because you’re just slow.

Now, we have come to the realization that you are nothing but grandstanders. You’re wavering for the attention.

But enough is enough. You’ve had your 15 minutes. We know that you know who you are voting for. So spare us any more fretting. Frankly, it has really gotten on our nerves.

Anyway.

At this point about the only possible reason to pay attention during the dying days of this political Smackdown is to see what the “October surprises’’ turn out to be.

Some people think the administration has Osama bin Laden on ice somewhere, and is getting ready to perp walk him on the network news.

I think that’s too obvious.

I think the administration’s surprise will be something more subtle, like maybe an announcement that Mary Cheney has been cured, or Bill O’Reilly is making phone calls for the Democrats.

Kerry’s surprise will probably involve a final, last-minute accusation. But what?

Given that he has been pulling out all the old chestnuts—Republicans hate the poor; Republicans hate the environment; Republicans hate Social Security—here is what I think Kerry’s October surprise could be:

George W. Bush is against The New Deal.