The dynamics of phone sex

By Carole Goldberg of The Hartford Courant

Bill O’Reilly is giving phone sex a bad name.

In a steamy “she-said, he-said” scandal, the host of Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor” was sued last week by his associate producer, Andrea Mackris, who alleges that he subjected her to unwanted face-to-face and telephone conversations laced with graphic sexual talk.

According to her lawsuit, which is posted on www.thesmokinggun.com Web site, on several occasions O’Reilly, 55, went beyond talking about sex to engaging in it solo—and without her encouragement or approval—while on the phone with her.

“I appreciate the fun phone call,” Mackris’ lawsuit quotes him as saying.

O’Reilly, who is married and has two children, has filed a suit claiming Mackris tried to extort $60 million from him.

Fox News is reportedly planning to fire Mackris, 33, from her $93,200 job.

Fox has asked a judge to examine her allegations and to rule that firing her would not be retaliation for her accusations.

Media coverage has mistakenly called it “phone sex,” though the allegations make clear this is a sexual harassment case.

The story has turned the spotlight on a practice some find kinky or disgusting and others find satisfying and even empowering.

“We’ve moved to more graphic ways of relating,” says Leslie Lothstein, director of psychology for the Institute of Living at Hartford (Conn.) Hospital. He says experiments have shown that telling erotic stories can be a powerful way to enter a fantasy.

“An erotic life is a critical part of sexuality,” Lothstein says.

In her book “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How To Entice, Excite and Enchant Your Lover With Words,” sex counselor Bonnie Gabriel writes:

“A telephone tryst can serve as a vehicle to keep your romantic feelings alive, to enhance intimacy, to build erotic anticipation and to fuel your sexual fantasies. In these conversations, you can also include

messages of erotic communication that rekindle the spiritual connection you have with your lover.”

She says couples who can’t see each other every day might make bedtime calls for erotic talk or erotic dream suggestions.

Many others use commercial phone sex and Internet sex-talk services. Such businesses are highly lucrative worldwide, at least for the folks who own them, if not for the women they hire to do the talking.

Sexually oriented spam e-mails offering sex talk and videos litter the Internet. And there also are numerous, heavily used sites offering free chat rooms where sex in all its variants is topic A through topic Z.

Pay-for-play sex talk, Lothstein says, “is theater, and you pay for theater.” If it’s consensual between adults, and children are not involved, if there is no exploitation, as charged in the O’Reilly scandal, then “all’s fair,” he says.

And, he adds, using the Internet to talk about sex has helped some women.

“There is no doubt that women have had a hard time developing a narrative about sexuality, and some never talk about what they want. But online, they can talk openly about their needs. It’s a revolution,” he says.

Couples might use phone sex because they are separated by work, school or travel, or as a way to spice up their repertoire.

When phone sex is mutually desired, says Lothstein, it is something “consenting couples can use as a way of relating—a way to intimacy. It can be a bridge to being closer.”