Thoughts from the Doghouse

By Alberto Magallanes & Ryan Ramos

You know when you’re in class, your mind starts to wander and you come up with weird thoughts like, “Damn it, how come no one ever made a ‘Monster Squad’ sequel?” Well we decided to write them down. Enjoy.

Alberto’s Accounting Analysis: For her season premier, Oprah gave everyone in the audience a “free” Pontiac G6. Basically, Oprah royally screwed those people. Sure everyone there got a car, but they also found out they’re going to owe about seven grand in taxes. Now I’m an accountant, and what this means is that everyone who received a car owes seven thousand dollars. (Ryan: “Fresno State should be ashamed of itself for giving you a degree.”)

After hearing about Britney Spears’ marriage, every guy was probably thinking the same thing: “Why isn’t back-up dancing a major?”

Britney Spears married a guy who dances for a living. It brings to mind some other famous women with less talented husbands: Barbara Streisand and James Brolin; Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown; Julia Roberts and what’s his face; and anyone who was, is, or will be married to J.Lo.

Surefire signs you might’ve had too much to drink: If you ever wake up naked in the fountain by the Kennel Bookstore, you might’ve had too much to drink. (Alberto: “Look, it’s not like I took a whiz off the top of the Peter’s Building. No wait, that was me too. Good times.”)

Freshman Tip 79: Midterms are coming up. If you get stuck on a question, the correct answer’s usually C. How else do you think Alberto graduated? (Alberto: “Remember kids, always go with C unless you have to write an essay. In that case, the answer’s B.”)

Alberto’s Thoughts on Life After College: I graduated last semester, so naturally my parents told me to get a job. It’s tough out in the real world. It’s not like college where if you oversleep, you can’t just roll out of bed and show up to work in your sweats and “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy” T-shirt. Believe me, I’ve tried.

CBS added yet another edition of CSI. This one’s set in New York. If this keeps up, eventually there’ll be a CSI: Firebaugh. (Alberto: “I’m telling you, it’s gonna happen. Ten bucks says we get our own show by next season.”)

Ryan’s Tips on Dating 55: Fellas, have you ever been out on a couple of dates with a woman and still don’t know what kind of a person she is? One way to determine her personality is by taking her to a bookstore. If she heads over to the humor section, then that means she’s fun to be with. If she heads over to travel, then that means she’s adventurous. If she heads over to philosophy, then that means she’s smart. If she picks up a bridal magazine and starts flipping through it, you should probably drop the Maxim and disappear.