Presidential debates end with knockout

From Behind the Lens By Ryan Smith

What if the headlines were true: Bush, Kerry trade jabs over issues.

What if the words the candidates spoke during last night’s debate were actually different combinations of punches rather than petty arguments?

Well, let’s go ringside to last night’s debate at Arizona State University to find out just what happened when the two candidates squared off for their third and final debate royale.

In the left corner, there was the challenger from Massachusetts, wearing a white shirt, red tie and black jacket—Senator John Kerry.

And in the right corner, the undefeated President of the United States from Texas, wearing...well… wearing the same thing—President George W. Bush.

Each candidate got two minutes to inflict as much pain and cause as much moral discomfort to the other candidate as possible.

Points were deducted for any penalties such as low blows and wasting the clock.

With that said, let’s get it on!

Kerry jumped out of his corner very quickly, attacking Bush with a jab combination of foreign policy, failure to increase inspections of imported cargo and luggage, followed by a roundhouse to the chin over the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden.

The arena of domestic policy has always been a weak point for Bush, and Kerry knows it. In a sneak attack, Kerry spent the first round trying to demoralize Bush’s war record. But, expect him to exploit Bush’s weaknesses with punches of domestic policy later in the fight.

In the meantime, Bush looked caught off-guard by the quick attack from Kerry.

Against the ropes early on, Bush carelessly retaliated with a flurry of misplaced jabs in his own defense, but none of them ever connected.

Two rounds later, Kerry went back on the offensive again, landing blows to the stomach and face over how Bush has led this country into a massive deficit. Kerry pounded Bush repeatedly with well-placed shots to the ribs about spending while praising his own policy of pay-as-you-go, which together, nearly pummeled Bush’s spending policies into submission.

But, Bush offered back a one-two combination, first attacking Kerry’s tax rollbacks followed by “pro-growth policies” which again, never connected—and for that matter, were never explained.

So much for tax cuts, the only cuts anybody received this debate is the one above Bush’s right eye.

During the “lost jobs” round of the fight, Bush thought he had found an opening in Kerry’s defenses lunging at him with all his might. Swinging with a hard right, Bush launched, missed wide and nearly knocked himself out, telling audience members the best advice he could give a man that just lost his job was to go back and get an education—a low blow to the surely hundreds of people who already have an education and yet no job.

During the same round, Kerry used Bush’s confusion to his own advantage, knocking him to the mat with a joke Bush could only wish he had made.

“Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country.”

Bush tried throughout the night to connect with a joke, but none were as staggering as when he was on the butt-end of one.

Another debate highlight came during the abortion round. Getting cocky in his domination of the debate, Kerry received the first violation of the night. While trying to explain his stance on homosexuality, he dealt a nasty blow below the waist, unnecessarily singling out Vice President Cheney’s lesbian daughter.

Lastly, Kerry turned the lights off on the final debate when he landed a fatal combination of punches on immigration issues. Bush blocked the first wave of jabs, but in the end it was Kerry’s reverse flip-flop death punch to the stomach that left Bush in the fetal position on the mat.

Kerry reversed criticism from Bush about border patrol, and at the same time silenced the incumbent and his supporters by retaliating with the fact that 4,000 people, including terrorists from the Middle East, are crossing the border from Mexico every day.

Could this be the David and Goliath story of the new millennium?

In the last three debates, Kerry has closed the relatively wide gap Bush had in the polls—in some cases has even taken the lead.

Will Kerry’s recent victories see him through to the winner’s oval?

Only time and the voters scorecards will tell.