Your momma's so fat she ate your constituency

By Jim Shea of the Hartford Courant

If the discourse surrounding the presidential election continues to decline at its present rate, here is how the final Bush-Kerry debate will go:

Moderator: Mr. Bush, one of the most critical and costly health problems facing this country is obesity, what role can the federal government play?

Bush: One thing the government can do is put Kerry’s momma on a diet. Kerry’s momma’s so fat she has to iron her pants in the driveway. She’s so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up.

Moderator: Mr. Kerry, your response.

Kerry: It seems to me that my opponent should be the last one to bad-mouth mommas, because his is so fat that when she lays on the beach people run around yelling “Free Willy.” In fact, she’s so fat that when she steps on a scale, it reads “One at a time, please.”

Moderator: Mr. Bush, you have the last word on this topic.

Bush: All I can say is look at the record: Kerry’s momma is so fat she got baptized at Sea World.

Moderator: Mr. Kerry, in the coming years Social Security is going to come under enormous pressure as the baby boomers leave the work force. What steps should we be taking now to prepare for this?
Kerry: The first thing I will do when I am president is get some advice from Bush’s momma. She’s so old her Social Security number is 1.

Moderator: Mr. Bush.

Bush: Oh yeah, well Kerry’s momma is so old she’s in Jesus’ yearbook.

Moderator: Mr. Kerry, last word.

Kerry: Again, check the record: Bush’s momma’s so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
Moderator: Turning to education, Mr. Bush, why is the United States beginning to lag behind the rest of the world?

Bush: One reason would be my opponent’s momma. She’s so dumb it takes her two hours to watch “60 Minutes.’’

Kerry: Unlike your momma, at least she doesn’t sit on the TV and watch the couch.

Moderator: Gentlemen, please. Perhaps we should focus on something less partisan. What can be done to improve the quality of everyday life for average Americans?

Bush: That’s an easy one, get Kerry’s momma a face-lift because right now she’s so ugly she makes onions cry.

Kerry: This coming from a man whose momma’s so ugly that when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.

Moderator (sigh): Final remarks, Mr. Bush.

Bush: Thank you. I’d like to take this opportunity to ask voters to think about one thing when they walk into the voting booth: Can I support a man whose momma’s house is so dusty the cockroaches drive around in dune buggies?

Mr. Kerry: In closing, let me just say that Bush’s momma got a glass eye with a fish in it.
Moderator: Thank you gentlemen, and good night.