As if we wanted to be sucked back to the '80s

Thoughts From the Doghouse

By Alberto Magallanes & Ryan Ramos

You know when you’re in class, your mind starts to wander, and you come up with weird thoughts like, “Why don’t those two jerks write about something funny, like the ‘80s?” Well, we decided to write them down. Enjoy!

• Alberto’s Thought of the Week: The other day I rented “The Karate Kid.” (Ryan: “He’s lying. He owns the whole trilogy on DVD!”) I wonder how many kids got their ass kicked because of that movie.

You watch the movie, and the next day at school you start picking fights with everyone because you thought no one could touch you with that crane kick. Chances are you ended up in the nurses office with a shiner and a swollen lip. Not that this happened to me or anything.

• Corey Feldman: If that name doesn’t make you laugh, we don’t know what else will.

• When you were younger, didn’t you feel like beating the hell out of anyone who owned a Teddy Ruxpin doll? Everyone wanted one but only an elite few had one. These are also the same kids who drove a Camaro in high school while the rest of us had to drive our mom’s station wagon with the missing hubcap. But hey, we’re not bitter or anything.

• To keep the spirit of the ‘80s alive, this week when a professor asks you a question, answer with, “Uh…I’ll take the physical challenge!” (There’re probably nine ‘Double Dare’ fans laughing their ass off right now.)

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back. Anyone else think Donatello got shafted in his choice of weapon? His brothers all got something cool, and Donatello basically got a taped up broom handle. What’s his backup, a dustpan? "Bad guys watch out. Here comes Donatello with his big wooden stick!" Seriously. Is he supposed to be a crime fighter or a janitor?

• You were a true Hulkamaniac if you saw “No Holds Barred” in theaters. If you saw “Suburban Commando” and “Mr. Nanny” in theaters, then drop the paper and head on over to the psych department. Maybe they can give you the help you need.

• Remember Hypercolor T-shirts? They were shirts that changed color when heat was applied. Yeah, that’s what you want to wear. A shirt that shows how much you sweat. During recess, a kid’s shirt could change 10 colors in the span of five minutes. Of course it also let you know who not to sit next to at lunch.

• After watching “Howard The Duck,” we’re left wondering, “So was the duck doing that girl or what?”

• Looking back on the Super Mario Brothers series, you gotta ask yourself one question: What the hell did the Princess see in Mario? He looks like he’s about four feet tall and weighs about two bills. If you really think about it, Mario kinda looks like Ron Jeremy. Well, at least from what we can tell.

• Alberto’s Other Thought of the Week: One of the great ‘80s characters has to be Chunk from “The Goonies.” Anyone else remember forcing their chubby friend into doing the Truffle Shuffle? If you were that chubby friend, sorry to bring up any bad memories.

• The real reason we decided to do a remember the ‘80’s column was: a) We decided to hop on the retro bandwagon. b) It was a slow news week. c) The well’s running dry here people. Did you read our last column?

— These columnists can be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu