Back for the new semester: Alberto and Ryan

By Alberto Magallanes and Ryan Ramos

You know when you’re in class, your mind starts to wander, and you come up with weird thoughts like, “Am I the only one waiting for a Pauly Shore DVD box set collection?” Well, we decided to write them down. Enjoy.

• We’re back. A lot’s happened in the past few months. To recap, here are the top 3 news events: 1) Jennifer Lopez is single. 2) Britney Spears got married and divorced. She is currently single. 3) The United States military captured some homeless looking guy in Iraq.

• It’s the spring semester, also known as a senior’s last chance to hit on freshmen.

• Alberto’s Thought of the Week: I went to Mexico over break. While I was there, I saw “Rocky V” on television. You know, no matter what country you’re in, that movie still sucks.

• Guys, if your woman dragged you to see “Mona Lisa Smile” over vacation, you might want to check to be sure your genitals are still there.

• The “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin was criticized for feeding a crocodile while holding his one-month-old baby. Talk about bad parenting. We’re starting to think the kid would probably be better off if it was raised by crocodiles.

• No matter what semester it is, there’s always that one person who asks on the first day of class what kind of Scantron will be needed on the final. What are you worried that you won’t have 20 cents at the end of the year?

• Here’s a quick test to determine your maturity level: Without laughing or making some sort of crude joke, try and say, “Iowa Caucaus.”

• Alberto’s Other Thought of the Week: Am I the only guy who’s planning on starting a rumor that I hooked up with Britney Spears when she comes to Fresno? Hell, I might even marry her.

• This just in: Pete Rose admits he gambled on baseball. This also just in: The sky is blue.

• Last semester, we predicted Justin Guarini’s 15 minutes were almost up. Well, he was recently dropped from his label. The following people are also on the clock: Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard, Kelly Clarkson. Basically anyone affiliated with “American Idol.” For the love of God, why won’t this show die?!

• The New England Patriots are headed back to the Superbowl. It’s official. Tom Brady has renewed his deal with the devil.

• Have you seen the contestants on “Average Joe 2”? What Star Trek convention did NBC raid? Compared to the pretty boys, these guys don’t stand a chance. Alberto has a better shot of hooking up with Britney Spears. (Alberto: “Hey, it can happen. She’s coming to Fresno you know.”)

• President Bush said he intends to put a man on Mars. Originally, NASA planned on sending a chimp but PETA protested. Instead, NASA agreed to send the closest thing they had to a primate—Lance Bass.

— These columnists may be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu