Let's do our best to make this his best

By Gregg Deslauriers

It’s a brandy new semester. Now, I know that a lot of you guys and girls out there may be thinking, “How can I better my college experience?” The decisions are vast and the opportunities on this campus are all around you.

You could buy a Razor scooter and scare pedestrians or start a band and torture innocents trying to eat in the open air outside Taco Bell. You could get an earpiece for your cell phone and never talk face to face with another human again. Better yet—you can spend hours on the Internet in the library while others wait in line to actually research something.

While many of these may seem inviting, I have a suggestion that may help. I have read recently that a lot of the youth of this nation has taken to volunteer work and community service. Have I got a proposal for you crazy kids. You may not know this, but I have declared this semester the Gregg Deslauriers Semester. Much like Al Frankin declared the ‘80s the Al Frankin decade, I have decided to inspire all of you out there to serve and better the life of me, Gregg Deslauriers.

You may ask “Who are you to declare this semester yours and yours alone?” The answer is simple—I’m the guy who thought of it first. Much akin to Columbus or Neil Armstrong, I have intellectually copyrighted this semester through a preemptive strike.

Those of you who are students at this great and prosperous learning facility have a decision to make. You can either fall in line and try to help me have the greatest semester of my life—actually serving a purpose and helping your fellow man (namely me), or selfishly seek to help only yourself and those that you want to have sex with.

We all know the only reason people are nice is for sex. If you decide to be nice to me and get on board for the Gregg Deslauriers Semester, it can’t be for the selfish sex reason because I have a beautiful wife whom I love. Your generosity could only be pure and sincere.

Helping in the celebration of the Gregg Deslauriers Semester is simple. All one needs to do is read the opinion page of The Collegian every other day and hope the editor squeezed me in. When I gripe about some issue on campus, all you have to do is do the exact opposite of that which pisses me off. This will make my life a lot easier.

Now you’re all probably saying, “But I want to help now!” If you are one of those volunteer inspired youth and you need something to do in the meantime just give me a knowing glance if you see me in the halls. Pointing and cheering will also be sufficient. Thanks for your time and remember only you can make this the best Gregg Deslauriers Semester ever.

— Responses to this column may be sent to collegian@csufresno.edu