It had been a month and five days since my grandma died. In that time, I barely slept four hours a night, worked seven days a week, blacked out drunk on multiple occasions and made a questionable decision regarding a certain stimulant and an ex-girlfriend. 

That was when I decided it was OK to break down and cry. 

I bottled up all my emotions and grief in order to not really deal with what I was feeling until finally, I exploded. 

I learned the hard way that grieving was OK, but maybe not in the way that I was doing it.

Whenever anyone asked me about how I was feeling, I would always retort with a joke. 

One joke I kept telling people was, “Don’t worry. I’m down to only five breakdowns a day, so I’m getting better.”

I would then wait awkwardly for a laugh but instead met looks of concern. 

This was obviously a dodge from talking about my feelings and getting too real about what I was going through. 

Definitely not a good sign for mental health. Don’t do this! 

Take people asking how you are doing as a time to be honest. Do not just try and make light of the situation in order to make yourself feel better and not deal with it for the time being. Take the apologies they offer and understand that they are asking because they are concerned for you. 

Don’t try and mask it because it’s easier for you to just say, “I’m fine” instead of really sitting down and taking a moment to have an honest conversation with someone.

I understand that talking to people about how you feel can be daunting at first. Luckily, there are many resources at Fresno State that can help with that. Talk to a counselor at the Student Health and Counseling Center. They are trained for it and will be able to guide you through any tough times in your life. 

But just talking about it isn’t the only solution. Find time to think about what just happened; this was the part in healing myself that I definitely failed at.

The day my grandmother died, I decided not to stay at the hospital. I made the decision that going to work and acting like everything was normal was the best for me.

I went through the day acting like everything was fine, taking photos at The Big Fresno Fair, talking to old friends I had just ran into and doing interviews like nothing was wrong.

But the truth was, there was a lot wrong going on with me, like the fact that while all this was happening I had gotten a text from my brother saying my grandmother was taking her last breath.

This was a moment I would end up deeply regretting. I could have stayed at the hospital and been there for my family, but I chose to get away from it. I did that for more than a month. 

Time and time again, I would avoid going home. I would work late at any of my jobs or go out with friends and drink — even though I knew I had to be up early — I even met up with an ex I hadn’t talked to in years.

Any of these options beat going home to be by myself and think about what had happened. I was running away from it again. 

I was doing anything I could to fill that void of being by myself to think. By the time I got home, I would be so tired that all I could do was sleep, get up and do it all again. 

I remember the day after my grandmother died. My editor asked me if I was still up to work or if I wanted, I could go home and take some time for myself.

I said no. I thought that being at work would make me not think about it, and I wouldn’t have to be home alone with my thoughts. That was the longest shift of my life.

That is why I believe that we need time to heal ourselves, time to think and be alone with how we are feeling to understand the extent of how tragedy and death affects oneself.

Take some time for yourself. Tell your boss you need some time off or tell your professors what is going on and that you may be gone for a while.

You can take that time to reconnect and think about what you are feeling and what your family is feeling. 

I tried too hard to run away from that because I felt that it hurt too much to think about. But now I know letting yourself hurt is part of the healing process.