How to get those matches:

Do not post a picture with a dead animal. I don’t care how proud of it you are — I just got sad looking at dead Bambi. Save photos like that for when we are on like date number three.

Do not post a picture of your car as your profile picture. My first instinct: Oh, this person is a transformer, that is cool I guess.

But seriously, I do not care what you drive. All that tells me is that you probably have a car payment you can barely handle, or that you are a spoiled brat. Neither of those things are super appealing.

Please fill out a bio. Here, I will give you some of my awesome bio ideas:

Write up some fake reviews about yourself. Positive ones. What would your mother say about you? Your professors? Your best friend? The man who serves you tacos every day? Your dog?

Look for the stupidest things that you love and write those on there. It gets tiring to see the same responses on Tinder. They usually include things like “hiking, eating, breathing” and so forth. They are boring.

If you have every episode of “Friends” memorized, write that in your bio. It’s the little things about yourself that let a stranger know a tiny bit about you without giving away much.

Your bio should offer up enough information so that the person looking at it has some sense of who you are and what your interests are. This is where you cross your fingers and hope that you are interesting enough to get a swipe to the right.

Here is a handy dandy formula for getting those matches:

#1 Greeting with your name.

#2 Your favorite food with your favorite activity.

#3 Something you aren’t good at, with a request for help.

#4 Something you are good at, with the prospect of exchanging skills.

#5 Alternative ideas for hanging out together, with a flirty line.

It will look like this:

“What up, my name is Meg. I like tacos and playing racquetball. I really suck at racquetball, anybody wanna help me work on my skills? I’m really good with words if you need someone to proofread your tweets in exchange for racquetball lessons. Or we could get coffee and discuss our athletic inadequacies together. Your choice. I’d rather not get sweaty the first time we meet.”

The best possible thing you can do on Tinder: be attractive. If you are not conventionally attractive, I’m sorry to say that your Tinder experience is going to be lesser. But you don’t want to meet those shallow people anyhow.

The second best possible thing you can be on Tinder is funny. This is a learned skill that can be repeated in every new match. Pick one joke that you think is funny, and message someone with the first half. Here, I will give you my golden joke: “Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?” when they respond (and they will) respond with “fo drizzle.”

It is the dumbest jokes that almost always gets a response. People love to laugh. Play it up. And if they don’t respond, well, you didn’t want to smash someone who is shallow and has no sense of humor.

The third best thing you can be on Tinder is an animal lover. Both sexes love pictures of cats and dogs. It is like Tinder crack. Hey, you got anymore pictures of puppies you can message me? Is an acceptable conversation starter. Do not be afraid to start conversations.

Now that you have matched with someone, where do you go from here?

Start a conversation. It’s not that difficult.

There is no dating construct when it comes to Tinder — so ladies, don’t be afraid to send the first message if you match with someone. Don’t leave that responsibility to the other person every time. You are playing into antiquated social rules, and more than that, you could be missing the opportunity to talk to someone who is really dope.

Do not start a conversation with one word. “Hey” or “hi” is not near as inviting as you think it is. I have no clue where to take that.

Avoid starting with something sexual — I know it is really really hard sometimes.

Try to start with an open ended question so that you corner your match into a response. Some of my great ones you can steal: “Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? If you were a Disney princess, who would you be?” or “If you were a taco, what kind of taco would you be and why?” You better be prepared to answer these questions in return.

After you have been messaging back and forth for a bit, ask for their number. Don’t psych this up in your head. Be like, “Hey, Tinder super kills my battery, mind if we text? I totes understand if not, but you’re really chill and I don’t want my phone to go dead on you.”

Boom. Those digits sure feel good in your inbox.

After that, you are on your own. Be yourself. Don’t screw it up.