It never fails — every year during the holidays you are forced to make face with your colorful family. There are a number of characters who you see in every family, and a number of ways to deal with them, short of not attending your family’s functions. Here are a few ways in which you can navigate these characters and relationships during the season of giving.
Let’s start with the booze hound. This is the family member who never ceases to be drunk. Somewhere they are hiding a flask or sneaking off to the bathroom to take tiny shots of Patrón. How do you handle this person? Take a shot with them. Sneak into the basement and listen to them complain about their divorce.
Congratulations — you have your first ally of the night. The benefits of befriending the booze hound are ample. They will defend you while the next family member — the nosy aunt — comes to “see how you are doing with your life.”
You know this aunt. She has 2.5 kids and a Hummer parked outside of her picket fence. She always has some comment about your lack of significant other or your love handles (that you inherited from her). How do you deal with her? Ask her about her hairstylist.
Tell her that they do a good job of hiding grey hair. While she frets over her hair, jump ship to talk to that one sibling who always seems to bail on family events, but somehow managed to show up to this one. The promise of gifts had nothing to do with that.
Your sibling only seems to know how to complain, so all you have to do is listen for a while as they recount the differences between Androids and iPhones, once again. Just nod along. They aren’t really interested in what you have to say, so much as they care about having a body to talk at.
In fact, if you get too bored, you can actually switch places with someone, and your sibling more than likely won’t notice. Choose one of the 2.5 spoiled brats that your nosy aunt brought with her. To hit two birds with one stone, trade places with the kid who smacks when he talks and eats. Now you don’t have to listen to either of them.
After successfully navigating yourself away from your sibling and annoying cousins, it is probably time to eat. You should sit next to your boozy relative. By this point they are probably cramming rolls in their mouth, trying to stay sober enough to sit next to your highly religious aunt or uncle — the Bible thumper. Your boozy relative automatically makes you look better in comparison.
Your Bible thumper relative is going to make some awkward prayer-like speech about giving thanks for those around us. They will ask everyone to keep the Syrian refugees in their hearts, and you will probably hear your racist grandfather say something like “as long as they stay on their side of the ocean.”
You have two options in this situation: 1. Ignore it. Never acknowledge the ignorance. 2. Ask the Bible thumper, “Didn’t Jesus come from that side of the ocean?” and let your grandfather stew over the thought of banning Jesus from America.
After dinner, make sure you make your rounds to scrounge up leftovers before the family members who never bring any food, but magically produce tupperware, take all the good eats. And you know exactly who your competition is, the extended family that had to drive the farthest. You’d better hide your pie, hide your wine — they are taking everything.
After you have successfully cornered your leftovers, go sit on the couch by the family member who always has a new significant other at every family event. Check in on that new poor soul who has been trudging through your family drama for the last few hours. Maybe reassure them that this is just an average holiday around here, and they get easier to handle. Lie to them. They won’t know the difference, and they probably won’t be here for the next family holiday.
Learn how to navigate your family in the most productive manner to really enjoy the holiday season without drama. There is no more rewarding experience than not hating your family.