Amazon delivers pain and suffering, but at least the shipping is free

There is an addiction that will empty your bank account, alienate your friends and have you jonesing for another hit. The courts haven’t ruled it illegal. There is no program to help you rid yourself of the addiction, and your friends will even mock you behind your back.

This crippling addiction is to Amazon Prime.

The mega store has invaded society; your parents and grandparents are using Amazon. And as if the site itself weren’t good enough, there exists Amazon Prime.

Prime costs $99 a year, and it’s the easiest high you can find.

The most addicting feature of Amazon is the shipping. When purchased, all items tagged as “Prime” come with free two-day shipping. We’re talking about, literally, millions of items for which you can specifically search.

You will bury your face in your tablet, laptop, cell phone or other apparatus that supports an Amazon app. Your friends will be ignored; your classes and work will suffer from your inattentiveness.

Your friends will mock you for ordering a box of pens for $2 that you could have purchased from a physical store, even though you can get them to your front door in two days.

Why would you buy a new, 200-pound dresser at a store, load it up in a truck you borrowed from a friend, and lug it up the stairs to your apartment? You can get all of that without any additional charges by using Amazon Prime.

It’s easy to rationalize your problem; the benefits are overwhelming. It’s everyone else’s problem, not yours, right? How dare they judge you for wanting to give up monthly trips to buy pet food, when Amazon will deliver it to you in two days for free.

So what if you want to preorder a movie that Amazon will deliver to you the day it comes out so you don’t have to go to Target or Best Buy? That’s your business. Don’t let your friends judge you. Who needs social interaction, anyway?

You can get more things done without having the chore of going to the store, like making Amazon purchases. Don’t forget you’re low on vitamins.

What’s that, Amazon? You have Prime Instant Video, too?

“Oh look, my PS4 has Amazon. It lets me watch tons of free movies and TV shows like Netflix. Hey look, guys, they have a bunch of HBO shows on here. You want to watch ‘Boardwalk Empire’? Guys?”

It’s frustrating having people around you who don’t have Prime. They don’t understand you. They couldn’t possibly know how it’s making your life better.

So what if your professors tell you to put your tablet away and take notes? They’re just jealous because you’re getting an amazing deal on bed sheets that have great reviews.

The path to Amazon addiction is an easy trap to fall into. Luckily there’s a deterrent; college students might find it hard to come up with the $99 for membership.

What’s that, Amazon? Students only have to pay $49 a year? Well, aren’t you the scum-of-the-earth enabler. Trying to avoid the overwhelming, life-sucking convenience shouldn’t be made as easy as you’re making it.

Amazon, you’ll be receiving some angry letters from concerned friends and family of your members. You’re lucky you aren’t doing anything illegal or the police would show up at your front door.

At least Amazon Prime addicts know that they can’t do it every day. Prime purchases are lower at the end of the week, because users know that ordering on Friday versus Monday will result in the same Wednesday delivery. And part of the appeal is the principle of the two-day delivery.

Wait, hold on. You’re telling me that Amazon just did the unspeakable thing of introducing Sunday delivery, partnering with the U.S. Postal Service? That will mean addicts don’t have to break from their constant use.

Amazon, you’re going to break up friendships, you’re going to cause students to fail in school and make people risk losing their jobs with this non-stop, unencumbered two-day delivery. It has to stop. It’s a shame Amazon has shown such a lack of remorse for what is happening to families with moms, dads and teenage kids sitting at the dinner table with their eyes glued to its high-inducing services.

It’s disgusting.

For the sake of full disclosure, I’m an – let’s say – avid Amazon Prime user. But I can stop anytime I want. You don’t know me. Get out of my life!