Every time I drive below the Van Ness Ave. arch, I can’t help but laugh. Really, “Fresno, the best little city in the U.S.A.?” Try the dirtiest, dumbest and drunkest city in America. There we go, now that’s the city us dwellers hate to love and love to hate.

Dirty martini, four olives.

Fresno’s air quality is what the Lung Association calls “a deadly cocktail of ash, soot, diesel exhaust, chemicals, metals, and aerosols.” Researchers at California State University, Fullerton indicated a relationship between air pollution and cardiovascular and respiratory problems.

The study noted that the California Highway Patrol recorded 2,521 vehicular deaths in the San Joaquin Valley in 2006, compared to 3,812 deaths attributed to respiratory illness caused by air pollution. It is embarrassing that despite the “green movement” Fresno continues to hold the title as the fourth most polluted city in America, behind Visalia, Bakersfield and the garbage island of California, Los Angeles.

Drink, drank, drunk.

Fresno not only stole the number one slot as the drunkest city in America one year ago but a total of three Golden State cities rounded out the top 10 of the 2009 Men’s Health magazine survey. The survey was based on data such as death rates from alcoholic liver disease, booze-fueled car crashes, frequency of binge-drinking in the past month, number of DUI arrests, and severity of DUI penalties, USA Today reported.

It’s hard to believe that Fresno’s 500,017 residents threw back more alcohol than Hotlanta’s 537,958 and Sin City’s 558,383. What’s even harder to believe is that Riverside and Bakersfield had more hangovers than Atlanta and Las Vegas as well. Santa Barbara failed to make an appearance all together. How does the town that created BUIs (Biking Under the Influence) manage to escape the list of the drunkest cities in America entirely? Beats me.

Stupid is as stupid does.

However, what doesn’t beat me is the stupid stick that’s knocking out what little brains Fresno, or more appropriately “the dumbest city in America,” had left. It was just last October when TheDailyBeast.com ranked our home sweet hometown in the worst 5 percent in every category.

Thumbs up to being quoted in the article but here’s a little recap and a thumbs down for those who might have forgotten.

“The race to the bottom wasn’t even close. The largest city in California’s San Joaquin breadbasket, Fresno, had deficiencies across the board. College education (less than 20 percent of the local population have four-year degrees), graduate studies, academic institutions (not much besides Fresno State), book purchases, voter engagement. Problems with gangs and crystal meth tend to deter the best and brightest.”

For a town that prides itself on being the exemplar for the ubber-conservative, Fresno sure is dirty, dumb and drunk.

The “drunkest” cities
1.ӬFresno, Calif. Ӭ
2. Reno, Nev. Ӭ
3. Billings, Mont. Ӭ
4. Riverside, Calif. Ӭ
5. Austin, Texas Ӭ
6. St. Louis, Mo. Ӭ
7. San Antonio
8. Lubbock, Texas Ӭ
9. Tucson, Ariz. Ӭ
10. Bakersfield, Calif.

The “least drunk” cities
1. Boston, Mass. Ӭ
2. Yonkers, New York Ӭ
3. Rochester, New York
4. Salt Lake City, Utah Ӭ
5. MiamiӬ
6. Newark, N.J. Ӭ
7. Durham, N.C. Ӭ
8. New York City, New York
9. Fort Wayne, Ind. Ӭ
10. Manchester, N.H.

The “dumbest” cities
1.ӬFresno, Calif. Ӭ
2. Las VegasӬ
3. San Antonio, TexasӬ
4. Louisville, Ky.
5. Memphis, Tenn. Ӭ
6. Harrisburg, Pa. Ӭ
7. Phoenix, Ariz.
8. Orlando, Fla.
9. Houston
10. New Orleans

The “most polluted” cities
1. Los Angeles
2. Bakersfield, Calif.
3. Visalia, Calif.
4. Fresno, Calif.
5. Houston
6. Sacramento, Calif.
7. Dallas-Fort Worth
8. Charlotte, N.C.
9. Phoenix
10. El Centro, Calif.